Holy S*&% I Didn't Recognize You!

I received that comment concerning the photo I posted below and it referenced my hair. I would like to note that for the era it was a proper and fashionable style. Where's Van Halen, White Snake, and Queensryche as a comparison, or even Tears For Fears?

There was also the positive attribute of not needing a helmet when riding a motorcycle. That mane was windproof, waterproof, crushproof, and all natural with absolutely no use of hair spray despite what all the women thought.

EDIT for one bloody spelling error.

You Got Here How?

Looking at the stats for today and it is interesting to see how people find Confessions. I've had 5 hits for some variation on Google for 'naked Snow White' or something similar. Who would have thought a naked Snow White would be so popular? I'm betting they were looking for pics. If so just find the online version of the magazine folks or if you're in Eurpoe I remember seeing Bild everywhere.

But this one has me confused: EKG blog bra gown. Huh? How would that combo of words hit Confessions? Combine one month that mentioned a bachelor party, a visit to the E.R., and a comment on blogs and viola it makes a hit! This now begs the question, why would anyone want to look for such a combination of things?

Don't ask, don't tell!

EDIT: In the past 5 hours I've had another 14 hits from the Snow White post. I guess if I post pics of naked women I'll have tons of visitors.

Snow White is Naughty & Nice

A 22 year old German singer was fired from her job as Snow White for posing nude in a German magazine.

Fair organizers fired Samira, 22, after photos appeared in Bild and other publications showing her lying naked in a bathtub filled with soap suds and rose petals.

Dresden's mayor is asking that she be reinstated for the Christmas fair. Hey sounds tasteful enough for me, and I'm sure the soap suds were strategically placed. Not like a boob on a halftime show ya know!

Evil Thought Number 2

Today was filling out professor evaluation forms. For one I have never filled out so many Disagree and Strongly Disagree ovals in my life. Studying for the final will be very interesting for that class. Maybe the supplement I bought will prep me enough for finals???

Evil Thought Number 1

Okay I'll be honest, I was so tempted to bring in a small tree and place it next to the library last night just to see oversensitive politically correct boneheads overreact. When people started shouting at each other and stopped talking with each other that was when I felt that our society was so screwed as the supposedly best and brightest people in our society proved incapable of having a civil thought-out discussion concerning the entire event.

I dislike overly sensitive people. Reason gets thrown out the window and they become impossible to deal with, which makes my job harder or impossible. My wish is that everyone please stay calm this year. Let's just get through finals with a steady head on our shoulders. Thank you.

Can I Be Alan Shore Please!

My Christmas wish is to be as morally ambiguous as Alan Shore for one day. I could say whatever I want in a cute, smarmy manner for one day and not care. It isn't a thing about being good or being bad, it is purely about being amoral and intelligent about it.

Personally I prefer a stiff breeze against my rosy cheeks.

Oh, the Hail Mary from Rev. Al wouldn't hurt either. Sharpton is da' man! I would kill just to have him burst into one certain class for five minutes and give some Sharptonisms. *sigh* They never teach us the cool things in school.

Tis The Season

Now that it is AFTER Thanksgiving I am okay with Christmas related stuff. Seeing Christmas decorations out in the stores before Halloween make me noxious.

The Good:
I find this to be an excellent idea, especially for couples/families that are of mixed faith. Merry Chrismukkah indeed! Sometimes I just never knew what card to send some people.

The Naughty and Definately Going To Get Coal In His Stocking:
Dude, you held up a Salvation Army bell ringer to grab the red kettle! I hope there is a really dark place for you and Santa sends his Enforcers on your sorry ass!

TubaChristmas At The Artsgarden

2pm tomorrow, Sunday, at the Artsgarden. Free, fun, and surprisingly good acoustics for a glass dome. If you haven't seen TubaChristmas before then you have to now. Maybe one day I'll play in it again.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

Part 1 of 2: The Meaning Of The Movie
It took awhile to write this first part so why not combine both? It all fits together. I didn't mean for it to, but funny how life works out sometimes.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd
- Alexander Pope: Elosia to Abelard
.
Last Saturday night ended up being stuffed pizza, alcohol, and three rented movies with a friend. She held up the DVD of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I had vague recollections of hearing about this little indie film that was supposed to be fantastic. It was. Eternal Sunshine has Jim Carrey (Joel), Kate Winslet (Clementine), Kirsten Dunst, & Elijah Wood among others. This is one of the reasons I love quirky indie films, you can have big time stars in a cheap film because they care about their craft. These are the films that tell stories, have depth, and make you truly think about things.

I'll get this out of the way: Jim Carrey CAN ACT! As an over-the-top comedy star I don't care for him, but as a dramatic actor he is amazing. Supposedly the best dramatic actors were once comedians. Maybe they're right.

I'll tell you enough to pique your interest in the movie, but I won't spill the beans and ruin it for those who haven't seen it. Joel and Clementine break up leaving Joel in agony. He discovers that Clementine has undergone a medical procedure that selectively erases her memories of Joel and their relationship. To get over the pain, she erased him. Joel decides to undergo the same procedure to erase Clementine. As the memories are erased one by one Joel realizes the good memories of their love that comes with the bad memories of their problems are intertwined.

What you are now is the summation of all your previous experiences. I feel this was one of the points the movie was expressing. Strangely enough I had been thinking such thoughts before seeing the movie. Our past makes us who we are now. To erase part of the past is to change who we are now. The missing foundational bricks can't hold up the walls of personality. Much pain has been in my life, yet it serves a purpose. Knowing of the pain I can enjoy the pleasure that much more. Sometimes pain and joy are intertwined. Sometimes the pain forces me to grow and learn. Though not a pleasant experience sometimes you have to go through hell to grow into something more. Though sometimes you hold onto the pain and never get past it. That isn't so good. It clouds your worldview and you don't see things as they truly are. That isn't growth. I try to grow even when others don't, really I do.

It would be wrong to selectively erase past pain. The joy of the spotless mind and eternal sunshine couldn't be appreciated in that context without knowing the scarred mind and twilight. I try not to let the past scars overwhelm me and control my present. I try to find the good memories that come with the bad ones. Usually I succeed. The price for eternal sunshine is that we wouldn't be who we are, and that price is too high I feel. At least for me.

Part 2 of 2: The Meaning Of The Reality

This is a very special picture. It is the only photo I have of Elizabeth or Liz as she liked to be called. It is even more special to me as this singular photo is also a photo of us together. It proves we existed.

Today is the anniversary of the photo, the Saturday after Thanksgiving at the high school football state championships. Given the number of years since this photo how is Liz still a part of my life, especially since we were in and out of each other's lives for only 17 months? We are the summation of our past experiences, the past is the foundation of our present. When I found my memory book a few weeks ago this was in it. Liz has been in my thoughts lately for reasons you'll know soon.

A friend, who was a drummer, had moved up to Carmel and our normally competitive bands had bonded over that season over the mutual hate of another band. I found myself heading up to Carmel a bit, and somehow meet Liz. I have no idea how, but the flag section adopted me. Maybe it was the hair? Liz, Mindy, Kim, and the other flags could understand if I wanted to hang out with the tubas, but they made sure I went nowhere near the rifles and dance corp. You're our's Brian! I didn't have a problem with that.

Liz and I never seemed to go out by ourselves, we were always with a group of friends doing something whether it was a birthday party, a basketball game, a school play, or simply hanging out a Mindy's. Yet in the quiet corner of the living room while others watch a movie, when others left the table at Pizza Hut to go to the bathroom and left Liz and I together, when I gave her a ride to her home, when I sat next to her in the stands at the championship game helping cheer on her team, when we talked on the phone, when we wrote letters to each other (pre-internet age folks), it was so obvious we liked each other even if we were not sure what to do about it. The holding of fingers and the tender good night kiss we could figure out. Beyond that... (teenage behavior! *chuckles* how quaint!) I think part of the problem was the distance involved. The west side to Carmel isn't that far a distance now, but when you're 17 and your parents worry constantly when you're on the road, especially on the interstate, that 35-40 minute drive was a long haul. Amazing how big the city seemed when you're 17. It didn't help that I had just broken up with my girlfriend and wasn't quite ready to give my heart to another woman, no matter how fantastic she was.

The spring semester had fewer trips up north. I had my own basketball games to play pep band at, getting ready for college, speech meets, and trying to figure out which ex-GF I wanted to get back together with (I had my own Beverly Hills, 90210 going on before the show was on the air!) Yet every time I called, I heard Liz's smile on the other end. Upon further review I should have asked Liz to the prom instead of Cabbagehead. I lost track of the Carmel group before going to college. Some were still in high school, others were supposed to go to college. I was an hour northwest having the time of my life as long as you didn't count classes.

During Winter Break I decided it was time to renew old friendships by calling Mindy, Kim, and Liz. I could hear Liz's smile through the phone. She was incredibly excited to hear from me. She gave me the phone number to her apartment as she was just visiting her parents when I called. I didn't think it odd that she wasn't going to Vincennes or USI as she had been accepted. Due to her job and our Christmas schedules it took a few phone calls to finally decide to meet on New Years Eve at her place. Now being a sophisticated college guy I was determined to have a proper meeting with Liz. I had procured the most horrific grape refuge that had the audacity to call itself wine in known existence! Two bottles for $5 no less!

The door opened and Liz's smile was in full force. It was around 7 or 8 months since we had seen each other and we hugged each other then ran our hands through each other's hair. We had both cut our hair to be just below the ears! We talked, we drank the 'wine' and simply caught up. She told me about her job and I told her about school and the band. As the bottle emptied we created a new game, tickle-wrestlemania! From the title alone you can figure out the rules. I don't care how competitive a guy you are, you will WANT to lose this game! She pinned me to the carpet, but I had her hands as we stopped and looked forever into each other's eyes. I can only describe the resulting kiss like this. Imagine your souls passing through each other and becoming one. Imagine that if you died right at that moment, you wouldn't care. Up to that moment in time it was the best night of my life, and we didn't even sleep with each other. What am I talking about, up to this moment in time it is still one of the best nights of my life!

Joel and Clementime couldn't deal with the pain of their failed relationship. They wanted it to end so badly they had the memories of their pain and love erased. They wanted their eternal sunshine on a tabula rosa. Yet to feel love without the reference of pain is pointless. You can not know the true heights you are at, if you don't remember the true depths you have been to. If given the choice of wiping some of my memories away so that I wouldn't feel the pain, how can I erase tickle-wrestlemania? How could I erase the way she whispered Alexandria, her middle name, to me as it were her precious secret to have all of her? How could I erase our gasping at that crappy bottle of wine as we willingly consumed it? How could I erase our giggling in Mindy's living room as we watched Spaceballs? How could I erase the backrubs we gave each other on the apartment floor or at Mindy's house? How could I erase watching the state championship next to her as a friend, likely Mindy or Kim, took the one photo of Liz that I have? A photo that has both of us all these years later. These memories are so precious in part because of what happened in the end. It is nearly 3am, we kiss, touch the other's cheek, hold hands, then let the door close between us. That early New Year's morning was the last time I saw Liz.

I was determined to treat Liz right, but we couldn't swing another night out before I left for the start of the new semester. She was so tired, yet manic, on that final phone call. I didn't understand how she could be so confused. How could an almost perfect night result in this? My shag-a-new-chick-every-weekend roommate had no idea what to do with me as I moped in our dorm room. Then the phone number was disconnected. Mindy was busy with her own classes and part time job. She had no idea what was going on with Liz. I was stuck an hour away without a car and totally unable to do anything. All lines of communication were cut and I couldn't get to Indy. I just gave up as I didn't know what else to do.

The spring semester ended and I was back in town. I hadn't talked with Mindy in awhile so I called her to catch up on things and see if she wanted to go out sometime. From her tone I knew something was horribly wrong. Mindy apologized for forgetting to call me when it happened. They had said that I should be told, but in all rush that detail simply didn't get done. Liz had died a few days earlier. They had her funeral a few days earlier. Liz was gone and I didn't get a chance to say good bye.

Officially it was car accident. Liz drove off the road and hit a large tree. The passenger, another flag friend of Mindy, Kim and Liz, required a few stitches and was very sore, but otherwise okay because of the seatbelt. Liz wasn't that lucky. The real story was Liz taking off her seatbelt, suddenly grabbing her friend's hand, and saying "I'm sorry" as the tree approached. From Liz's friends and family Mindy had figured out what happened and told me. Liz had been suffering from depression for a very long time. This explained many things that I know about and many others that I didn't know about. Liz's sudden decision to not go to college, why she suddenly quit the job she was working and picked up a pizza delivery job, why she withdrew from almost all of her old friends, why she suddenly moved back in with her parents, why she suddenly picked up smoking, and other things. Liz was on some medication, but had stopped taking it at some point in time. We guessed that Liz was taking her meds around the Christmas break that I saw her, but quit soon after that time. We'll never truly know though.

We often discuss the good things that inspire us, but sometimes other things inspire people. For some time now Liz has been inspiring me, but in a way that she should never have inspired anyone. Liz has inspired me to not let my depression get anywhere so bad as her's. Just because I don't have daily postings on it doesn't mean that I'm not still suffering from depression. It is odd that I get more help from the ghost of memories past than I do from many living people around me. It has been proven to me that so many of you simply can't handle it. Some days are easier than others. Some days are far more difficult than others. I have no idea if my own mental energy helps me or not, but I refuse to see my life as so bad that I would want to drive myself into a tree. Liz's pain and passing inspire me to live and to fight. If those pain filled memories of Liz's leaving were erased, what would I have to inspire me? It is a perverse value system, but the scarred mind and the dark twilight can be just as inspiring as eternal sunshine on a spotless mind, at least in some circumstances.

Yet here is the one thing I didn't count on, by remembering the pain of her death I also remember the joy she brought into my life. It was an imperfect love, but an inspiring one. The way love should always be. We were 5 or 10 years too young to know how to deal with the emotions we had for each other. Because of her I want to experience such inspiration again. I don't know when that will be, but I can wait. Unlike Liz I am nowhere near ready to surrender my life just yet. I may be the resident old wise man, but there is still too much potential to give up on. Her surrender reminds me to never retreat. To borrow an idea from Tennyson, I will strive, I will seek, and I will not yield.

One day I hope to have a daughter just so I can try to incorporate Elizabeth or Alexandria into her name. Thank you Liz. Good bye love.

Thanksgiving

On this day of Thanksgiving be grateful for all that you have, your friends, your family, your health, and the bounty on the table in front of you.

Please remember those less fortunate than you, those with trials and tribulations in life they couldn't handle. Today marks a season of giving, but why only a 'season,' can we not give something more often?

PS: at least the snow is melting around here for an easier drive.

EDIT: Perhaps I can do this next year. Maybe Mozel Sanders does something for Christmas? When I was at the Wheeler Mission I always had the thought that no matter how bad I think I have it, they have it far worse. For all the problems I've had lately, those lost souls have it worse.

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Bluebook

I might not get as much done as I wanted to but I realize there is a good thing about reviewing rough drafts of notes and memos without a Bluebook (I left it at home accidentally). I'm not bogged down checking cites, but I'm really editing for logical construction of argument, spellings (or misspellings as the case is proving to be), and simple, "Okay that might be an accurate statement, but you need to support it!" problems. I should be doing those things anyway, but I definitely prefer the cursory, overall examination method first to the in-depth exam first method.

On the plus side I thing I know more about the Bluebook than I thought. I may not know when something is wrong, but I at least have suspicions that something is wrong, if not exactly what the problem is. I never would have been this good at editing as a first year!

Happy Birthday Samantha

One of my favorite ladies has turned one year old today. What a year it has been! You have my best friend's eyes and I love looking into them. I love carrying you around in your seat and swinging you around at the table. Your mommy likes it when I feed you so she can have some of her dinner. I am not your father and I never will be, but I'm guessing you and I are going to be a part of each other's lives for a very long time because your mommy and I are a big part of each other's lives. I'll look out for you the best I can. I promise.

No Way To Spend The Holiday

I got a message today from a friend that his wife miscarried their baby. I hate the fact that I can only offer good thoughts and prayers for their tragic loss, but am otherwise incapable of truly helping them. It seems even more tragic given that I spent most of today playing with a lovely 5 month old girl who loved to grab my fingers. SIGH!

Almost A Break

No classes today. A couple of hours at my internship to finish up the last pile of work. Then start outlines, catch up on likely 500 pages of reading (or maybe not), write a Fourth Amendment memo, go over two rough drafts of student notes, and maybe even fit in a Thanksgiving dinner.

Did I mention I don't have classes at least? When was the last time a break was actually a break?

What We Have Hear Is A Failure To Communicate

I got a letter over the weekend saying that someone had been trying to get ahold of me, but was unable to. Okay they had my cell phone number, my home number, my school email, and my address. *sigh* It isn't that hard people!

I Hate Being Right Sometimes

I had a feeling something would happen today. I was hoping it would not happen, but I'm not that lucky I guess. I wish I could figure out the why of the what, but I don't think I'm that lucky either.

*sigh*

Totally Unmotivated

I had a fantastic weekend. I may tell you about it later, but I don't have time now. Let's just say it was one of my typical adventures where I pack 4 days worth of events into 2 days. (Yes I did cross time zones for pure escapism no less. If my friends knew how much I actually travel they would freak. I escaped for 3 days to be in Dallas one time and no one was none the wiser! I can be very impusive as I noted below.) Nothing school related was done. Oh well that might have been why I enjoyed it so much.

I have no desire to study for class right now. Maybe I should have hung out at the Starbuck's with the pumpkin spice hot chocolate? Rather perfect for such a dreary, drizzle filled day I think.

Impulse Control

Contest for the day: what is the most impulsive/crazy thing you've done on a spur of the moment?

I'll give an example. I don't know if this is my most impulsive thing, but it's a good start. A friend called me on her birthday and I felt bad that I had forgotten. She didn't have any plans to celebrate her birthday so I told her I would take her out dancing that night. The catch was that she was a 3 hour drive away! I figured hopping a time zone would work in my favor as I gained an hour and it wouldn't be very late when I arrived. We enjoyed that night out. I suspect the celebratory bottle of champagne helped with that. I was back home before noon the next day.

Extra example: I saw a round trip airplane ticket to London online that was less than $350. After 30 seconds I bought it online. Then I asked my boss if I could have a week off for vacation. Three weeks later I was in London and started my impulsive vacation. Except for knowing where I was sleeping that first night I was winging it the entire week. I don't think I did too badly just winging it.

I'm betting someone did something juicy as an impulse *wink*

Random Good News

I have no desire to let you think everything is crap right now so here are some good things from today.

1. My organization helped co-sponsor an excellent speaker today. Julia counted 100 people attending so our name gets out there a bit more. Also it demonstrates that our organization is not political, but simply wants to bring forth issues and I am more than willing to co-sponsor events with other orgs that have differing ideological viewpoints. To quote one network: We Report, You Decide! (ha-ha-ha)
2. Today I discovered I have an interview with a state government agency after Thanksgiving Break. It could lead to a job, you never know. It is the first interview through our career development office I've had in a year. With luck perhaps I'll have a few more.
3. As I predicted in May the Chrysler 300 is MotorTrend's Car Of The Year. Since I predicted it correctly please make mine black with the Hemi. (EDIT: Okay I didn't write it down in that article, but trust me I've been predicting the 300 would be MT COTY ever since I drove it. I still want it black and with the Hemi)
4. Last night was Confessions 9,000th visitor.
5. Tomorrow I will celebrate a college football rivalry. Good food, good beer, good friends, and hopefully a good game.
6. Sunday is a Thanksgiving Extravaganza with friends.
7. Today has been a good day.

Oaken Bucket

Out of respect to my friends who graduated from Indiana University I will not post I.U.'s anti-fight song. That being said, Purdue will kick the Cream & Crimson's ass tomorrow at noon in Ross-Ade stadium.

Anyone else think it's crap that the game isn't on television at all?

Six Days Later

It has been six days since I dropped the bomb on you about my depression. I haven't really wrote much as you can tell. Some small 2 or 3 line posts here and there or recycle a travelogue. Nothing that required any real effort and thought on my part. Now I can talk a little bit.

First, why should this matter to you? It obviously matters to me, but you need to know this as well. Count 10 people in your class. ONE of them is depressed, was depressed, or will be depressed sometime in their lifetime. One in ten. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you or to someone you care about, and I'm not even dangerous to myself or others. The depths that one can fall into can be far worse emotionally and physically. People do hurt themselves when when depressed. Some people die when they're in the grips of it. So you might want to know about this stuff for yourself or for others, just in case.

Second, for the bloggers who are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles from me I thank you for your emails and instant messages of support and concern. It is amazing to me how people I have never meet are concerned about my well being. Thank you. For my outside of school friends I thank you for your help. I know I don't get to see you as often as I would like, but thank you for simply listening to me or emailing me your words of support. It meant a lot to me. For my inside the school crowd, I do thank the two people who have commented, emailed, or talked with me after reading last Friday's post. Two people? My friend Julia, bless you dear, who doesn't read our blogs (they are addicting I'll agree) offered this explanation for your silence: people are bad about handling negative news and simply don't know what to do especially when you're right there. I hope she is right for I don't want to think about the alternative implications if she is wrong.

Third, it is amazing what a difference one week makes. Through October and the early part of November my unlife was living hell. Constant pain that couldn't be explained. Muddled thoughts, a complete lack of concentration, hating when the sun set because the mood became worse, never able to get more than three hours sleep a night. Imagine standing at the library side of the atrium, being kicked in the chest, and landing by the stairs. That was the past month or more. Now I am merely being kicked across the lounge, the pain is an order of magnitude less. I no longer dislike the night, in fact I rather enjoyed the stroll on Butler's campus last night after a symposium. It was enjoyable to be in the warm night and stand by the peaceful fountain and bell tower for a few minutes. Night brought tranquility for a change. Thoughts are clearer and I even sleep now for five, sometimes six, hours. Before I was holding all your pain and all of mine, now I let you hold some of mine. It was the least you could do in my opinion. To understand that I had problems and to finally express that understanding is half the journey. Am I better now, yes. Am I well now, no.

I can sit through classes now. Before that was nearly impossible. Sometimes I feel fine in a lecture, sometimes not, but at least the power is far less now. I can do little tricks to maintain an even keel. Sometimes it will look as if I am praying suddenly as I am trying to focus and find my center. I'm trying to spend far less time in the building. I discovered the advantages of the Starbuck's lifestyle that I often mock. The cup of coffee, a fairly quiet place to study, and the fact the staff won't rush you off. So useful to me now.

The way I think now is different. I don't focus on the big problem. I focus on the immediate problem. Don't worry about the 200 pages you haven't read. Focus on the 30 pages you need to read for tomorrow. Don't worry about looking for things on the internet. Just see if something useful pops up in 1o minutes and if not just move onto the next item on the to-do list. Sometimes the key it to not look very far ahead. It is little things that can make the biggest difference right now.

Yes there are big problems still ahead, but at least now I have some strength to deal with them. I have some control now. I have a some sense of direction now. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and trust me you wouldn't want to experience this yourself. I am not fragile though. I am not some time bomb waiting to go off. If you see me, be aware but treat me as you would treat any other human being. If I suddenly do something odd (odd for even me) don't take it personally. I will likely be doing something for myself. I am more self-aware now and doing many little tricks that seem to help me. Don't be afraid to ask me how I am doing. Some times are better than others, but at least there is a 'better' now.

Help Wanted: Recipe for Cream Corn

I find tons for cream corn soup, but I don't want to make a soup.

Cool I am a CATCH!

Courtesy of Energy Spatula. Go here to take the test.
Now I have to rent Big Fish though to understand the results, but being compared to Ewan MacGregor isn't a bad thing.

eXpressive: 6/10
Practical: 6/10
Physical: 2/10
Giver: 8/10

You are a XPIG--Expressive Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Catch.

You are a magazine-cover, matinee idol dreamboat. Parents love you and want to set you up with their kids. However, first dates are tough because it takes time for your qualities to come out.

You are generous and kind. You think first and act later. You are cool in a conflict, but your practical side means if your partner throws out emotional appeals ("why can't we do what I want for a change?") they will grate on your nerves, even when the conflict is resolved.

You're a romantic. You enjoy the thrill of the hunt, and you don't just fall into bed with anyone. You pay close attention to your significant other's needs, and this makes you an excellent lover and partner. The problem is that your friends and lovers may find it so easy to express things to *you* that they lose sight of whether you feel as comfortable with *them*! This doesn't necessarily make you feel under-appreciated -- you're too well-adjusted and self-aware for that -- but you may feel restless. Thus you seek adventure in your life outside the relationship to prove and actualize yourself.

Of all the types, you would make the best parent.
You are coiffed.
Didja see "Big Fish"? 'Cause you're like Ewan MacGregor in "Big Fish."

Of the 155096 people who have taken this quiz, 9.3 % are this type.

New Lexicon

Courtesy of my Atlas group I am now going to inject new lingo into the American lexicon.

Cuckoo Skirts*: those really insane girlfriends. I'm talking the ones with mental problems.
"Dude, how many cuckoo skirts have you dated?"

*specifically attributed to AB and now footnoted.

Infamous Bloggers

Nice to see two of my favorite bloggers get recognized. Lawren, could you have any bigger a smile? *big smile* Even JC is showing some pearly whites.

M@ snuck into the article, despite his best efforts.

Travelogues Retread: The Birth Of A Nation?

I'm not in a mood for creativeness so a handy recycle job. Beside E. McPan asked very nicely for something like this last week and I'll grant her request. Some consider this the best travelogue I ever did simply because of the way I wrote about Notre Dame. I'll let you decide on that.
EDIT: now with higher resolution pics to resolve fuzziness issues.

Bonjour Madames and Monsieurs,

Saturday June 14, 2003

Things have been going relatively well here in the land of cheese and wine. I checked my email a few hours ago and noted that I got replies from many of you so I am quite happy to see that I had a decent workaround to the communication problems of late. Though I was THWARTED by the webmail system as I would click on your messages and the screen would simply refresh. *Deep Sigh* As it's rather hard to call tech support from Lille I hope the problem will be resolved by the time I send this.

Part of the purpose of this class is the experience of being in different counties and our reactions to the differences. I had my revelation this week as I realized that this must be how immigrants to the U.S. feel. Everyone speaks a different language than you, how things work like public transportation or phones don't make any sense to you, the location of needed things are not what you would consider convenient. I am indeed a stranger in a strange land. It is one thing to know that ahead of time, but truly another to live and feel that isolation and confusion.

I feel I'm handling the differences better than some of my classmates. Some simply can't stand the lack of air conditioning in our residence and classroom. As we usually can catch a breeze through the windows I don't find it too bad. Some dislike trying to order lunch during our break. I just pack a homemade sandwich and save the 5 to 7 euros for a field trip souvenir. Lunch is sacred here and something to be enjoyed. That is why the service is what Americans would consider to be slow. Another reason whyI pack the sandwich, we only have one hour for our break and the French pace isn't conducive to that. I enjoyed learning that "CL" stood for Centi-Liters. I guess centiliters are not a useless unit of measurement after all and I'll need to apologize to my high school physics teacher. A can of Coke is 35 centi-liters instead of 12 fluid ounces or 335 milli-liters. The 1.5 liter plastic bottles of pop are easier to shove into our dorm fridge (to keep cold) than a U.S. standard 2 liter. Others consider it a funny shaped bottle. Okay, I'll admit doing laundry by hand does stink, but with a Laundromat 6 tram stops down the line that shouldn't be an issue much longer. I just want to tell these people to relax. We're learning the system and are finding most of the things we really want and need. Just go with the flow and realize that we'll laugh about these experiences in the fall semester.

This week was European Union discussion week in class. Quite topical as the Polish people last week voted to join the EU, this weekend the Czech's have voted to join the EU as well, a rough draft of a EU Constitution was drafted and sent to the member states for discussion, the U.K. decided to not adopt the euro as its money, and the European Union has sent a peacekeeping mission to Congo without any help from NATO or other countries. Though we may not be sure what the European Union is, an economic and trade union or a federation of nation-states or something else, it is definitely becoming a power player of some kind in the world and being here as it happens is quite exciting.

After reading the power structure of the EU I've come to a few conclusions: 1) it's a system that a bureaucrat would love as there are TWO legislative branches and no one PERSON has any position of power. As currently written this is a corporate bureaucracy run amok. 2) It's amiracle anything of importance gets done at all and as it averages 2 years to make any directives/laws. 3) I find it sinister that the one part of the "government" that is directly elected by the people, the EuropeanParliament, has very weak powers in the creation of EU laws/directives (this betrays the beginnings of the EU as a coal and steel economic cooperative) ,and 4) it actually seems to do a decent job of balancing the power of small and medium sized countries against the power of the 4 large ones of Germany, UK,France, and Italy.

Our Thursday (June 12) field trip was to the European Union Commission in Brussels, Belgium. As near as I can tell that building has the best air conditioning in Western Europe. I must have been underneath a vent as I was wearing a t-shirt, long sleeve dress shirt, and thick navy blue blazer and was actually freezing. I'm the man who has no problem wearing shorts in 50 degree weather and my arms were going numb. Our law class was teamed up with a Syracuse poli-sci class for the tour. Our afternoon was free and Belgium is great for Americans. Many in Belgium do understand and speak English, though it's not one of their official languages. Our server at lunch even had an interesting California/British accent.

We found our way to the old Grand Place or Square that Brussels is famous for. Cobblestone streets and freakishly old buildings were everywhere, including a Gothic cathedral, town hall, and hotel. Gargoyles, angel, and spires galore. We just don't see architecture like this in the U.S. even in the old parts of the east coast.

It's quite enjoyable to sample the infamous Belgian chocolate, outdoor cafes with equally infamous Belgian beer, and to pick through some cheesy souvenirs.

It is a 30 minute train trip from Lille to Brussels that would cost 11 euro. Why we rented a bus for the 2 hour road trip is beyond me. Then it tried to break down as we tried to get home. I didn't get all the details, but apparently the cable between the accelerator and the engine broke so we couldn't maintain our speed. Every couple of minutes we needed to pull to the side of the road and the driver would mess with the cable for 5 minutes before we make it a few kilometers down the road and then have to stop again. After the fourth or fifth time, the driver somehow MacGyvered a fork to keep the cable together. I don't know where he got a fork from but we managed to limp into Lille without stopping again so I salute his ingenuity. We got a great surprise when we hit our rooms. The only stations that spoke English were a German station that shows half their news programming in English and MTV music videos. Suddenly we had BBC out of England. Instead of going out Thursday night I think most of us stayed in and watched the BBC. Long live the Queen and her English speaking TV station!

Friday June 13th was back to Paris to see the Council D'eTat (Council of State), the French Supreme Court. It's not like ours, the French have 3 Supreme Courts while we have just the one. They have 15 justices in each court, but only 3 or 5 to 7 hear a case while our's has all 9 justices sitting on a case. Our SC has a case load of not even 200 cases a year and they hear 12,000 a year. One more thing to flip out my legal scholars buddies: no such thing as precedence. These courts could hear the exact same case on two separate days and decide two different ways. The building is across a plaza from The Louvre and is also a former royal palace. Have I mentioned that there are a lot of former royal palaces in Paris? They seem to sprout like mushrooms out here. Once again we get a tour of a building with marble walls, thick rich tapestries, painted scenes on the ceiling, mirrored walls and doors, gold leafing everywhere, and paintings of former kings, philosophers, legal scholars, and some dude named Napoleon.

If Marion County EVER gets the new Justice Center they've been clamoring about for years I'm pretty sure it's not going to look anything like this.



The Orsay Museum is a great way to spend a Friday afternoon. Wonderful works of art in air conditioned comfort on a 90 plus degree day. Why suffer Parisian Heat Stroke like I did last weekend especially since I didn't want to carry a change of clothes in my backpack? The former turn of the 20th Century train station with all the high vaulted glass ceilings houses a huge French Impressionist collection. Manet, Monet, Renoir, Cezanne, Degas, are all there including the originals of all those posters that are hanging my condo walls. I wonder if French teenagers do their version of Ferris Bueller's Day Off in this museum? Orsay is undergoing renovations, which halved the number of bathrooms. So why am I telling you this, the remaining bathrooms were effectively turned into unisex bathrooms. They tend to bepopular over here. As a group we've treated them as separate bathrooms as we guard the entrance. Luckily no French men have attempted to go in while the ladies were in or I'm sure a cultural misunderstanding would have occurred. As for the Orsay restrooms, sometimes you adapt to other cultures,other times you just bypass the issue.

Here's an important tip for travelers in a foreign city: DON'T RUSH YOURSELF OR YOU'LL GET LOST! Had I taken the time to properly view the maps of the city and the Metro (subway) I might have made it to Sainte Chapelle before it closed. Ste. Chapelle is a beautiful Gothic cathedral that is mostly glass.

It's two blocks from Notre Dame because some king decided to build a cathedral inside his royal palace so he could go to mass in his royal pajamas instead of hiking the two blocks to Notre Dame. Got it built in 6 years instead of the usual 2 centuries to build the typical cathedral. Anyway, I get off on the wrongstop, it doesn't connect to the Metro line I need, and I literally walk in the opposite direction of Notre Dame/Saint Chapelle. I see the spire of Notre Dame and walk into a park with yet another cathedral, that is not Notre Dame like I thought.

Cathedrals also seem to sprout like mushrooms out here. Perhaps I should have played tourist in this unknown cathedral, it seemed nice enough. This is where having two guidebooks, a metro map, and 5 minutes to ponder came in handy. Obviously I figured out where I was or else I brought laptop with me to the park bench I've been sleeping on.

The Tale of Two Worlds

I find my way to Ste. Chapelle, but it's about to close so no new admissions will be let in. Most attractions in Paris close at 6pm F.Y.I. The former palace that Ste. Chapelle is in is currently police headquarters and there was a protest in the square across the street. Reading the signs I couldn't tell if they were protesting for or against the transit strike, police oppression, or were the Illinois Nazis. Every cop in Paris appeared to be here. As I wander around the block our leader waves me down. He and his family are dinning at one of the numerous sidewalk cafes across the street. Our class has numerous wives, husbands, children, significant others, and Scooter the Dog joining us just so you know. We compared notes on our afternoon and I found out the protest was against a violent police response when a transit strike protest got out of hand a few days ago. The prof even picked up the tab on the beer I got and that act alone nominates him for "Coolest Prof. EVER!" award.

As Notre Dame was only 2 blocks away I figured I would walk around it in the setting Parisian sun even though it should have closed an hour earlier.

I arrive and the doors are open, with people going in. The lucky tourists has just wondered into the beginning of a mass at Notre Dame. The 5 story pipe organ was in full glory, the several hundred parisoners were singing hymns, the rich notes resonating throughout 700 year old stone arches, with the lights highlighting the stained glass windows. The cynic in me has seen the world as dark, harsh, grinding, and it's difficult to hold the line against the continual onslaught of tyranny, hate, and injustice that we humans fling so casually at each other. Yet as those hope-filled notes of a better world lift through air and resonate through the ancient transepts I ponder if perhaps I am wrong, and I'm okay with that idea.


On that note I finish this up. A quiet night in to allow my weary, blistered feet to rest has been exactly what I needed. Plus it allows me to have another one of my infamous travelogues that so many of you seem to enjoy. This upcoming week will have visits to Metz, Luxenbourg, Trier, and Strasbourg (a lot of it is classwork, but some is being a tourist) so I'll be on the road for 4 days and hopefully have some cool things to share withyou later. Hopefully I can see what your replies are when I send this out.

Au revoir from Lille,
Brian

"Without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace, but we'd be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."

The Price Of Friendship

Since the newest posts appear on top I'm switching the order of these two so it is easier for you to read. I hadn't meant to have two posts so intertwined in subject matter at the same time, but sometimes you have to tell the whole story, including the tangents that appear out of nowhere.

It was a moment of revelation, yet one that had been simmering on my mind this entire semester. Someone I considered a friend, thought that she was more like a school acquaintance. What is the measure of a friend? How do we make them? How does being in the stressful, time consuming, soul sucking environment of school affect the formation of these relationships? Big questions to ponder. I've been in a big question mood lately.

One basis of friendship is shared experiences. Not simply being in class, but talking with people out of class, doing social things together, having lunch and interacting with them, going dancing at a club, or having drinks at the bar after class. It is the interactions like those that help form the foundation for friendship. A common bond where you know the other person and you learn the things you enjoy, the things you hate, the secrets, both little and big, we all have.

Nearly two and a half years of my life has been spent in this school. Yet what do I have to show for it? I have some academic achievements. I have some legal knowledge. But what else do I have to show for it? What of the human connections with these people that I spend so much time with?

That is the problem I've noticed lately. I have not spent much time with the people that surround me. I spent much time in the library reading case books, downloading articles for my note, writing the note, editing other people's articles and notes, reading more case books, prepping for classes, writing essays, putting together exhibits for presentations, finding guest speakers, emailing the dozens of people and entities that require my time, updating my resume, sending cover letters, etc, etc, etc! Others do the same things I do and some have jobs, family, children, and other obligations vying for their time.

So many of us are here together, yet alone.

Many people are far more social than I am. They dance their way through social situations with a grace I simply don't have. Also some situations occur naturally allowing people to bond in an easier fashion. While I am a fairly social person I much prefer the more intimate gatherings and having a smaller circle of friends. Sometimes I do manage to get out such as when a group of us went to the Claddagh after a spring final, or I take someone to Scholar's Inn for an interesting lunch away from this black hole. Yet those instances are far too few in number. The people that go always enjoy it and we always say we should do this more often, yet we don't. I always here stories of these great nights out, where the people I care about had a great time. Yet it is obvious that I'm not in the circle of friends that many groups have.

I associate with many people, yet lately I've wondered how my friends do I have here? I made it a project of this year to bond with the people I care about here, to be a better friend to those I care about. Yet offers to hit a bar after class, going to rent a movie, having lunch somewhere rarely, if ever, worked. We were all busy, we needed to go to work, we had other plans, we were going out of town that weekend, and all the other normal excuses that busy people with busy and involved lives will have.

When I was accepted to school I looked forward to meeting new people and the excitement of having my social life reborn. How ironic that by being here I have almost no social life with the people that are here? I tried to maintain my contacts with the outside world the best I can. I've done okay with that, at least with some people. Yet how can I be surrounded by a sea of people and yet feel barely connected with most of them? How many of us are acquaintances and people we have a passing familiarity with? What of all the people I've 'met' online? I have online 'friends' who I've known for 5 to 8 years, yet have never met. We know about our children, our careers, our spouses, we know the things that friends know yet never have seen each other. Are they less than friends?

Two and a half years of social interactions, were they wasted years? I hope not. I hope this is merely the pessimistic side of me, because now I need all the friends I can get.

Final Confession: False Faces & Empty Places

Warning: the title says it all. You'll know why soon. The falling stars go out with such flame and brightness in the night. Since this is the end for the time being, let this end be a blazing path across the night sky. Let this end mean something.

*

Part I of IV: Inspiration For Explanation

The truth shall set you free. But free from
what? Freedom from others, or yourself?

Very profound Brian.

I'm tired of being profound.

I remember hearing the news Deb had cancer. I was in such shock, all of us were. Cancer just doesn't strike those in their mid-20s. I was hardly in Deb's inner circle, but she was a friend and we had spent an entire hellish first year of classes together. I was thrilled to discover she had a blog. She was using it as her way to describe her thoughts, feelings, and fears of her journey with such a horrible disease. Through her blog we got to witness her personal journey through all the dark and empty places she had to walk. When you're fighting death itself, how much more poignant and personal does it get? Through her hell, we learned what is was like to be human. It takes a special kind of courage to share and express the journey she had. I wish I could do that.

*

Fortunately modern medical science treated her deadly disease, though she is not the same woman now as the one I first met. I wish Deb and I had a class together currently. Her perspective is always valuable. Deb is one who inspires me through her words. You can't go through what she went through without gaining the profound wisdom she has now. I hope one day I can thank her for that.

*

Part II of IV: False Faces

*

"During the day we all put on the face we think will do us the most good, but at a certain point in your sleep as you relax your true face is revealed."

Ambassador Delenn. Babylon 5: Shadow Dancing

*

"I didn't know. You hide it so well."

Unattributed instant message comment.

*

We lie everyday. We say the little white lies that are socially acceptable. When someone asks "How are you?" we will almost automatically respond that we're okay, doing all right, or something similar. What if people responded that question with their true feelings and thoughts, especially the ones that disturb others? What if the person answered I'm so scared because I just found out I have cancer: I'm filing for bankruptcy and I'm scared of losing the house: My heart has been ripped out by the woman I love: I'm pregnant and the father is being an ass, and all the other things that happen in life that we don't often share, at least not easily? We wear these false faces so we can function through the day. We don't want to hear the true sadness in other people's lives. We don't want to burden others with our problems. So we wear the false face just to make it through the day and be functional.

*

At the Halloween party we're all wearing our false faces quite literally. Yet the copious amounts of alcohol provided a way to knock down the normal false faces. Instead of having the mental power to keep up our lies, the alcohol provides the way to a certain clarity. You think unfiltered thoughts. You have pure emotions. I had such insight because I couldn't wear my own mask. Despite the fact it was 2am I got online when I arrived home. After some interesting preliminary research I made some phone calls and appointments over the next few days. Though they don't want to say it, the trends are solid enough that I can say this with confidence before those with letters after their names are willing to commit. I should know something about this as I was once trained for this in some ways. Besides I am simply too tired now to keep lying to everyone and to continue wearing my false face. I am suffering from depression.

*

Okay, I got it out. It's in black and white. I can't deny it now. I can't lie to you now. Many lay people believe depression is a general feeling of malaise or someone having suicidal thoughts all the time. If that is what you think you are wrong. It is a far more broad ranging, multi-facited, subtle yet overbearing condition. Many times I feel, if not good, at least okay. I've never had thoughts of suicide that occur with a severe depressive state. Yet within the past two months many days I've already felt dead.

*

My sleep has been a wreck for some time now. I've had extreme difficulty falling asleep. I keep waking up several times a night, and my mind races as if twin turbochargers on full boost were attached to it. It's extremely difficult to read for class. Not only do I lack motivation many times, but I simply can't concentrate long enough to get through all the material. I'll zone out, then fall back to reality after a few minutes. I seek rare sunlight on these fall days because I feel alive when in it. When the sun sets and the long shadows reach me, I feel the shadows of my mind come out as well. So often I feel unattached, as if I'm watching the world in the third person or on a movie screen. It isn't me there, but someone else. I feel a hollow pain when I see certain objects or certain people. At my best I am melancholy. At my worst I'm just dead inside, a shell of a human being.

*

I'm not certain when I knew that something was off, that something wasn't quite right. I knew it was around the time classes started, though I can't really say if it was before or after that event. I attributed my feelings to the fact that I was exhausted, that my summer sucked to be honest, and that I'm not very fond of school. Yet I encourage you to not read simplistic thinking into this. I seriously doubt the depression and school are in a cause and effect relationship; they are intertwined with each other in a more complicated way. I subtely reached out to my friends because I wanted to talk, to see if these curious feelings were normal. I would suggest drinks after class or having lunch. At best, no one truly heard what I was saying; at worst I tapped into a well of fear creating an explosion still reverberating to this day (but I'll get to that later). I saw so many things that were wrong, yet I couldn't see myself as one of them. Not until the Halloween party at least.

*

It took so much energy to appear normal or something close to it. Once I had an idea of what was wrong it took even more energy to wear the false face these past weeks. I'm out of that energy. What little I have left I'm going to need for myself, instead of shielding you from me.

*

Part III of IV: Wells of Fear and Sorrow

*
You were not the same Brian that I have always known. There was definately something wrong when I saw you. That I could tell at first glance.
Darker?
Yes.

-Observation From A Friend

*

If the rest of you want to just move along to Part IV go right ahead. Only one person needs to read this. I've been looking back at things and suddenly events take on a different light or more accurately a different shadow. I wonder now if I tapped into my personal well of depressive darkness? I wonder if that affected me and my actions towards you? My personality tapping into the storm of darkness, that would be something to fear. Perhaps now I understand why you tapped into your well of fear and reacted the way you did. I don't use this as an excuse; I told you before I accept responsibilities for my mistakes. Maybe that wasn't the real me though. At least I hope it wasn't the real me.

*

After break you said things were "okay" between us before I managed to fall into the trash can (great way to make a point by looking like one of the Three Stooges, eh?). But things aren't okay with us are they? We've said maybe five words to each other these past few weeks, you're in a stealth mode when online, you notice me in a hall, frown, then make an immediate turn towards another exit. It looks like we're wearing the false faces around each other and saying the socially acceptable lies to each other, the rare times we actually do talk.

*

Yet you come here to Confessions every day. One optimistic friend suggests that you do that because you still want to be friends (whatever that definition is), but like me you're confused as to how to do that. My pessimistic counter was that you're gathering intelligence to better lay down your vengeful wrath (I wouldn't blame you on that one). The truth is likely between the two points I bet. Or maybe this doesn't affect you at all anymore, yet another point to ponder I guess.
*
I don't care about the damage I cause to myself, but when I damage others as a roving agent of chaos that I do care about. Can we talk sometime? We're both adults and these wells of fear and sorrow should be capped. The maybe I can listen to the CD you returned.

*

Part IV ov IV: All The Empty Places

The purpose of Confessions was to ultimately take you on the ride with me and see life through my eyes. It was a way to share with you my myrid interests and thoughts about life. I truly hope you enjoyed it. Turn left into the unknown and let's explore. You see that storm out there? Let's ride full throttle into it and have fun. But I made a wrong turn somewhere and now I'm lost. The storms out there I enjoy and anticipate the coming sound and fury; the storms within my mind, soul, and heart I can't stand.

*

For now I need to give up a few things I love and Confessions is one of them. I can't take you on the journey I'm going on now. I don't think you should go on it with me anyway. In the chiaroscuro that is my life I don't want you to see more of this dark side. In this respect I lack the strength Deb had. I don't want to share this right now. I suspect if you reread some of the posts you will find a different meaning within them. I think I knew all along that I was lost, but couldn't admit it to myself. I may post something from time to time, but I can't come up with two to three observations a day anymore. It isn't due to a lack of inspiration; I'm not suffering the blogging doldrums that so many of my companions have noted recently. In fact these past few months I've never felt more inspired to write about so many things! That may be part of the problem. I suspect I've been using Confessions as a shield from other aspects of my life; a way to not focus on other things. I know I've been using it as a sounding board. The price for this deeper well of inspiration is the fact it connects to the darkness. I can't always shield you from that and I want a well of inspiration to be filled with a brighter source than what I have now.

*

I have to find myself now. Does anyone have a compass and map? I hope I can come back soon. Right now I find an ancient Egyptian blessing to be very appropriate to this moment of transition and revelation.

May god stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.

I'll see you when I see you.

Mother Nature's Revenge

Either deer are becoming much more advanced thanks to Darwinism or these guys have way too much time on their hands.

Silly MPRE People

I was completely confused when I received my MPRE test results in September. I couldn't tell if I passed or failed, and thought I had failed. I immediately went online and signed up for the MPRE test that is tomorrow. Later I discovered that my scaled score was passing. I attempted to cancel my registration and was informed that I couldn't get my money back. I wasn't happy with that, but I asked them to at least put my seat back up so someone else could take the exam. They couldn't do that either! Their advice was that since I didn't need to retake the exam I just don't need to show up. Okay fine, but about someone else who could have used my seat. Bad customer service!

PS: I better have passed the first time or I'll be mad.
PPS: To all those taking the cursed exam tomorrow GOOD LUCK! You will do well for I have faith in you.

The Big Rest

Sleep is such a precious item in school. The two things we seem to value most as students, sleep and caffeine, are diametrically opposed to each other. The library is a favorite place for us to catch up on valuable sleep. I rarely do that though. It was fun to be in the reading room, knee deep in a lifeless essay due today, and notice one fellow student just push her laptop forward slightly and lay her head down on her arms. Between wearing a coat and scarf I'm hoping she was warm enough. I hope the nap was useful for you.

Last night I was the opposite. I had to go all the way up to Broad Ripple in order to get to a Starbucks I knew wouldn't be closed at 1o:30. I wanted to either keep typing up my lifeless essay or at least read for one class so I simply asked the barristas what is the closest thing to pure caffeine they had. A double shot of expresso is the answer. I finally went to bed at 2 after I read two articles for class.

My normal sleep now is for about two hours, wake up for one, sleep for another one or two hours, and normally wake up at least 30 minutes to an hour before my morning alarm. I'm betting scientists would love to experiment on my sleep deprived mind right now.

Bittersweet Reminders

You've heard me praise my friend CAG before. I like 85 to 90% of her personality. That last 10 to 15% on the other hand came out last night in a phone call as a pleasant reminder for why I am thankful she is an EX-relationship and not a current relationship.

Brian you have to be happy about [blah, blah, blah, blah referring to subject x].
You know I don't really want to talk about [subject x].
Yeah, but [keeps talking about subject x].
I'm sorry the cell connection must have sucked and you didn't hear me. I just don't really want to talk about [subject x] right now.
Hey, Brian you won it all. I'm surprised you're not dancing in the streets [continues on about subject x].
Look I'm just not in the mood to debate you on [subject x]. There will be no joy in it for me. Can we talk about other things tonight?
[Goes off on a tanget to subject x].
*CLICK*

I gave four foul balls hoping she would simply pay attention to what I was saying and here's a novel concept maybe take into account my preferences on the topic of conversation. Hey normally it's a three strikes and you're out rule, but she's a special relationship so I'm willing to take a little more crap from her than I would from a stranger.
[30 seconds later]*RING*
Did you hang up on me?
Yep, I hung up on you.
Wow, you were serious!

A shame the telephone is an audio only format as the look on my face had to be impressive. Is it any wonder she is an ex?

Mixed Results

Good News: I've lost 10lbs this semester.
Bad News: I'm still not any faster. I average around ten and a half minutes a mile, nor do I have any closing speed on the football field as demonstrated on Sunday. I'm sure if I hauled ass for only one mile, instead of trying to make it to three miles, I would have a better time, but I fear the amount of pain I would experience afterwards.

Endurance counts for something right?

Prayer of Saint Francis

This Sarah McLachlan song has really stuck to me lately.

Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
and it's in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

Pizza Surprise

Someone had me paranoid that the pizza would not arrive in time for the meeting. I personally went to the pizza place last night to preorder and pay for the pizzas and if they didn't arrive then it was someone else not doing their job. I did not want the embarrassment of not having a promised lunch not show up again.

This school just runs on pizza or subs. If I don't offer food I get about a quarter to a third of the attendance at the meetings.

Lately 15 to 20 people have been showing up so I got the usual six pizzas. That usually leave the equivalent of a pizza left over so not much waste there and we donate it to the next class to use the room. Today we had 26 people so it wasn't quite enough pizza for all! I had conflicting emotions about the event. Good that so many attended the meeting to listen to the speaker we had (and seemed to enjoy him). Bad that we didn't quite have enough food for everyone concerned. One officer went to the cafeteria downstairs and grabbed lunch for her and myself. Thanks.

Now if only I can get a few more people to join and pay dues. If you want pizza you need to pay dues!

I Am Prepared. No Really!

I was called on in class. Luckily I did read the material a few hours earlier, had notes and highlights throughout my book. To me preparation is now a matter of if I read the material or not. I gave up on comprehension a long time ago. I'm not sure what my initial response was, but between that and the person ahead of me passing the prof assumed that I was passing. No I wanted my participation points and this was a fairly simple case for a change!

I have a different style of class participation that is somewhat minimalist. I recited a basic fact pattern with no extraneous details, then waited on the professor. I refuse to ramble on unlike many of my classmates in the hopes of filling dead air. I actually asked, "Where do you want to go from here?" The students' time, the professor's time, and most importantly MY TIME are valuable commodities. He asked a question and I responded. Once I could see where the prof wanted to go I then went through the areas of the case I thought were relevant. That worked fine for 5 minutes and then I got to a question that I was stuck on: why (meaning what public policy and rationale) would you not want to co-mingle personal funds with funds that you have a fiduciary duty over?

I know it is bad to co-mingle funds, but to be honest I simply blanked out and admitted that I had no idea why it was bad. If I have no idea on something I won't waste the time to B.S. my way through it. Luckily the point bounced around the class for about 10 minutes, and I should get my participation point. My friends thought I did okay. I'm glad I can fake it well.

Things You Shouldn't Do

Cell phones are so pervasive it's difficult to imagine that once upon a time we got along fine without them. However I think people forget that cell phone etiquette should be followed like turning off the cell phone when on a date. That isn't my #1 rule though. This is: NEVER ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN IN THE BATHROOM!

The guy, I didn't recognize so I'll assume a 1L (who are the scourge of the universe), actually answered while in the stall. Not only that, but he was appearantly finished with his business, flushed, walked out of the stall while telling the person who called him that "Yeah I'm in the bathroom now."

If someone calls me they can wait a few minutes and if I can call you I am more than willing to wait a few minutes. I don't need to know what that grunting sound is that I'm overhearing!

GO BLUE!

Colts 31: Vikings 28! I can now go to bed. Thank you Vandy for making the game winning field goal and thank you Payton and Edge for that shuffle pass that kept the last drive alive.

To the defense it looks like I'm qualified to be on that side of the ball. On our Sunday game I was burned for 3 or 4 touchdowns personally and it appears I would fit right in at the pro level! Geez!

Good night. Sweet dreams I hope for all.

And The Sky Full Of Stars

I'm having writer's block for my 8 page essay due by Wednesday. The reading room is all windows and they reverberated with concussions. I assume it is because of Monday Night Football being in town as I saw the fireworks to the south. It is a crisp clear and cool night. The starbursts were a welcome distraction as I went outside to feel the explosions. It was a very good show, but they were over far too soon.

Tunes To Study By

I've been doing this a bit lately, but I've needed music to study by. Since the library frowns upon me bringing in my stereo I've resorted to the CD player in my laptop and a pair of headphones I pillage from my walkman. Decent enough sound quality I guess. I'm not going to list all 20 or so CDs I brought with me, but I did bring a wide VARIETY at least.

Van Halen: 1984 (currently listening to)
Moby: Play
Duran Duran: Decade
REM: Automatic For The People
Eurythmics: greatest hits
Lenny Kravitz: 5
Evanescense: Fallen
Santana: Supernatural
Kenny Wayne Shepherd Band: Trouble Is

Eclectic, aren't I?

Peanut Butter: Crunchy or Smooth?

Impulse Buy

I couldn't resist it! It was only $5.50 for the DVD and I love The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Janeane Garofalo made this movie. I need another movie night soon.

Extra Effort

I'm stuck in line at the only open cash register along with nine other people. I seriously debated putting a few things back just so I could get into the "12 Items Or Less" lane, but it was equally full. The manager came over and opened up the next lane finally and luckily I was right there. He apologized for the wait and got my groceries through the scanner. The manager asked if I had some 10% off coupon and I replied no. He just whipped one out and I saved close to $4. NICE. This is what I call good customer service.

Off The Mainstream

One of my favorite songs of all time is one I have never heard on the radio, only as background music to TV or off of a soundtrack to that TV show. I was running my 3 miles today and must have picked up some high school station on my walkman. That's the nice thing about high school stations, they sometimes play things totally off the mainstream. Bif Naked has a very haunting voice like Amy Lee from Evanescence. Lucky is a very beautiful song.

it was a monday, when my lover told me,
"never pay the reaper with love only."
what could i say to you, except, "i love you."
and "i'd give my life for yours."

i know we are,­ we are the lucky ones.
i know we are,­ we are the lucky ones.
i know we are,­ we are the lucky ones, dear.

the first time we made love, i...i wasn't sober.
(and you told me you loved me over and over!)
how could i ever love another, when i miss you every day

¡­ remember the time we made love in the roses?
(and you took my picture in all sorts of poses!)
how could i ever get over you, when i'd give my life for yours.

i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are...­ we are the lucky ones, dear.

my dear, It's time to say i thank god for you.
i thank god for you in each and every single way.
and, i know... i know.. i know.. i know...

it's time to let you know. time to let you know.
time to let you know. time to sit here and say:

i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are... we are the lucky ones.
i know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.
we are the lucky ones, dear...

Peaceful Places

What do you know that old Snapfish account came in handy! Pretty easy to link between Snapfish and Blogger. Now I won't continue thinking of their emails as spam. I would like to thank everyone who answered this question a few weeks ago. Your help was very much appreciated.

Now I can show pictures of my own creation; therefore avoiding potential copyright issues with snatching other people's pics. (I claim FAIR USE as my first line of defense if anyone wants to make a big deal of it.) I just need to remember to keep the file sizes down or the upload/downloads and repostings take forever! Good thing this place has a fat pipeline for data. It would take forever to do this at home.

On the River Rhine in Germany. The most peaceful day and a half I've had in years.


What I wish I was riding right now. The color is perfect no less.

I Should Have Guessed This

Courtesy of Energy Spatula.


You are Kermit the Frog.
You are reliable, responsible and caring. And you
have a habit of waving
your arms about
maniacally.

FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS:
"Hi ho!" "Yaaay!" and
"Sheesh!"
FAVORITE MOVIE:
"How Green Was My Mother"

LAST BOOK READ:
"Surfin' the Webfoot: A Frog's Guide to the
Internet"

HOBBIES:
Sitting in the swamp playing banjo.

QUOTE:
"Hmm, my banjo is wet."


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Last Semester Decisions

I've been so tired, distracted, frustrated, and mopey lately that I forgot to figure out what I wanted to take for my final semester. A very bad sign when we schedule at 8am tomorrow! I'll graduate with far more credits than I need (I refuse to take ONLY 4 credits next semester for a wide variety of reasons) and it has proven impossible to take all the classes the school recommends.

Class X has a conflict with Class Y. Okay how about take Class W instead of Class X? Class W has a conflict with Class Z! I now wonder if taking some classes that I would actually enjoy instead of all bar classes this semester and previous semesters is coming to bite me in the ass for the spring? I refuse to take nothing but bar courses. For a last semester there should be at least one class that sounds interesting to me as a release.

Perhaps I should take only 11 credits? (Don't worry I know it is less than full time, but I'll far exceed those wacky ABA residency requirements so I'm safe to graduate) It may help so many things in my life. I would have free time to do the pro bono work that I've wanted to do for 3 years (it is wrong of me to not give more), or perhaps get a part time job to earn money, or maybe even look for a job!

Speaking of jobs today was the first time I submitted a bid on the Office of Professional Development this year. It was the first time they had a job that interested me. I need to be in there far more, but the position asked for a writing sample. The new lady thought it looked snazzy that my writing sample can be printed on paper with the Westlaw logo on it. A small victory perhaps? I'll take them where I can get them now.

EDIT: Wow, I had no idea how uninspiring this schedule is. It fully lives up to the universal scorn I've heard from others. I'm almost tempted to take Admiralty Law with Mags just because! One last "Why the ^%#$ did you take that class" moment!

EDIT Friday 10-5-2004: Well crap! There was no way to get answers to the numerous questions I had before 8am so I overscheduled just so I can have time to figure things out. I hope to figure out the class situation soon and drop down from the current 17 credits listed (YIKES!!!!!!) to a more reasonable 10, 11, or 12 credits. The system complained that I couldn't schedule one class, I deleted it, but then it showed back up when I was ready to confirm. Go figure.

Mixed Marriage

Kevin, when I heard this on my morning drive I immediately thought of you and Jo-Jo. The comedian was very funny.

We have a mixed marriage. I'm from New York and I'm Catholic. He's from Kenosha, Wisconsin and a Packer. Sundays get very confusing for us.

Nora Jones Good

Mom's birthday was in August, but she got to use my gift to her last night finally. I wondered how the concert went last night and dad sent me an email.

Your mom really liked the Nora Jones concert last night. That was a good birthday present. The seats were good. We were on the 2nd level across the floor from the stage. We had 2 of the few real seats in that bleacher section right in front of the wheelchair section.
Thanks again for the tickets.
dad