Six Days Later

It has been six days since I dropped the bomb on you about my depression. I haven't really wrote much as you can tell. Some small 2 or 3 line posts here and there or recycle a travelogue. Nothing that required any real effort and thought on my part. Now I can talk a little bit.

First, why should this matter to you? It obviously matters to me, but you need to know this as well. Count 10 people in your class. ONE of them is depressed, was depressed, or will be depressed sometime in their lifetime. One in ten. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you or to someone you care about, and I'm not even dangerous to myself or others. The depths that one can fall into can be far worse emotionally and physically. People do hurt themselves when when depressed. Some people die when they're in the grips of it. So you might want to know about this stuff for yourself or for others, just in case.

Second, for the bloggers who are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles from me I thank you for your emails and instant messages of support and concern. It is amazing to me how people I have never meet are concerned about my well being. Thank you. For my outside of school friends I thank you for your help. I know I don't get to see you as often as I would like, but thank you for simply listening to me or emailing me your words of support. It meant a lot to me. For my inside the school crowd, I do thank the two people who have commented, emailed, or talked with me after reading last Friday's post. Two people? My friend Julia, bless you dear, who doesn't read our blogs (they are addicting I'll agree) offered this explanation for your silence: people are bad about handling negative news and simply don't know what to do especially when you're right there. I hope she is right for I don't want to think about the alternative implications if she is wrong.

Third, it is amazing what a difference one week makes. Through October and the early part of November my unlife was living hell. Constant pain that couldn't be explained. Muddled thoughts, a complete lack of concentration, hating when the sun set because the mood became worse, never able to get more than three hours sleep a night. Imagine standing at the library side of the atrium, being kicked in the chest, and landing by the stairs. That was the past month or more. Now I am merely being kicked across the lounge, the pain is an order of magnitude less. I no longer dislike the night, in fact I rather enjoyed the stroll on Butler's campus last night after a symposium. It was enjoyable to be in the warm night and stand by the peaceful fountain and bell tower for a few minutes. Night brought tranquility for a change. Thoughts are clearer and I even sleep now for five, sometimes six, hours. Before I was holding all your pain and all of mine, now I let you hold some of mine. It was the least you could do in my opinion. To understand that I had problems and to finally express that understanding is half the journey. Am I better now, yes. Am I well now, no.

I can sit through classes now. Before that was nearly impossible. Sometimes I feel fine in a lecture, sometimes not, but at least the power is far less now. I can do little tricks to maintain an even keel. Sometimes it will look as if I am praying suddenly as I am trying to focus and find my center. I'm trying to spend far less time in the building. I discovered the advantages of the Starbuck's lifestyle that I often mock. The cup of coffee, a fairly quiet place to study, and the fact the staff won't rush you off. So useful to me now.

The way I think now is different. I don't focus on the big problem. I focus on the immediate problem. Don't worry about the 200 pages you haven't read. Focus on the 30 pages you need to read for tomorrow. Don't worry about looking for things on the internet. Just see if something useful pops up in 1o minutes and if not just move onto the next item on the to-do list. Sometimes the key it to not look very far ahead. It is little things that can make the biggest difference right now.

Yes there are big problems still ahead, but at least now I have some strength to deal with them. I have some control now. I have a some sense of direction now. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and trust me you wouldn't want to experience this yourself. I am not fragile though. I am not some time bomb waiting to go off. If you see me, be aware but treat me as you would treat any other human being. If I suddenly do something odd (odd for even me) don't take it personally. I will likely be doing something for myself. I am more self-aware now and doing many little tricks that seem to help me. Don't be afraid to ask me how I am doing. Some times are better than others, but at least there is a 'better' now.