Final Confession: False Faces & Empty Places

Warning: the title says it all. You'll know why soon. The falling stars go out with such flame and brightness in the night. Since this is the end for the time being, let this end be a blazing path across the night sky. Let this end mean something.

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Part I of IV: Inspiration For Explanation

The truth shall set you free. But free from
what? Freedom from others, or yourself?

Very profound Brian.

I'm tired of being profound.

I remember hearing the news Deb had cancer. I was in such shock, all of us were. Cancer just doesn't strike those in their mid-20s. I was hardly in Deb's inner circle, but she was a friend and we had spent an entire hellish first year of classes together. I was thrilled to discover she had a blog. She was using it as her way to describe her thoughts, feelings, and fears of her journey with such a horrible disease. Through her blog we got to witness her personal journey through all the dark and empty places she had to walk. When you're fighting death itself, how much more poignant and personal does it get? Through her hell, we learned what is was like to be human. It takes a special kind of courage to share and express the journey she had. I wish I could do that.

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Fortunately modern medical science treated her deadly disease, though she is not the same woman now as the one I first met. I wish Deb and I had a class together currently. Her perspective is always valuable. Deb is one who inspires me through her words. You can't go through what she went through without gaining the profound wisdom she has now. I hope one day I can thank her for that.

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Part II of IV: False Faces

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"During the day we all put on the face we think will do us the most good, but at a certain point in your sleep as you relax your true face is revealed."

Ambassador Delenn. Babylon 5: Shadow Dancing

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"I didn't know. You hide it so well."

Unattributed instant message comment.

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We lie everyday. We say the little white lies that are socially acceptable. When someone asks "How are you?" we will almost automatically respond that we're okay, doing all right, or something similar. What if people responded that question with their true feelings and thoughts, especially the ones that disturb others? What if the person answered I'm so scared because I just found out I have cancer: I'm filing for bankruptcy and I'm scared of losing the house: My heart has been ripped out by the woman I love: I'm pregnant and the father is being an ass, and all the other things that happen in life that we don't often share, at least not easily? We wear these false faces so we can function through the day. We don't want to hear the true sadness in other people's lives. We don't want to burden others with our problems. So we wear the false face just to make it through the day and be functional.

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At the Halloween party we're all wearing our false faces quite literally. Yet the copious amounts of alcohol provided a way to knock down the normal false faces. Instead of having the mental power to keep up our lies, the alcohol provides the way to a certain clarity. You think unfiltered thoughts. You have pure emotions. I had such insight because I couldn't wear my own mask. Despite the fact it was 2am I got online when I arrived home. After some interesting preliminary research I made some phone calls and appointments over the next few days. Though they don't want to say it, the trends are solid enough that I can say this with confidence before those with letters after their names are willing to commit. I should know something about this as I was once trained for this in some ways. Besides I am simply too tired now to keep lying to everyone and to continue wearing my false face. I am suffering from depression.

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Okay, I got it out. It's in black and white. I can't deny it now. I can't lie to you now. Many lay people believe depression is a general feeling of malaise or someone having suicidal thoughts all the time. If that is what you think you are wrong. It is a far more broad ranging, multi-facited, subtle yet overbearing condition. Many times I feel, if not good, at least okay. I've never had thoughts of suicide that occur with a severe depressive state. Yet within the past two months many days I've already felt dead.

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My sleep has been a wreck for some time now. I've had extreme difficulty falling asleep. I keep waking up several times a night, and my mind races as if twin turbochargers on full boost were attached to it. It's extremely difficult to read for class. Not only do I lack motivation many times, but I simply can't concentrate long enough to get through all the material. I'll zone out, then fall back to reality after a few minutes. I seek rare sunlight on these fall days because I feel alive when in it. When the sun sets and the long shadows reach me, I feel the shadows of my mind come out as well. So often I feel unattached, as if I'm watching the world in the third person or on a movie screen. It isn't me there, but someone else. I feel a hollow pain when I see certain objects or certain people. At my best I am melancholy. At my worst I'm just dead inside, a shell of a human being.

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I'm not certain when I knew that something was off, that something wasn't quite right. I knew it was around the time classes started, though I can't really say if it was before or after that event. I attributed my feelings to the fact that I was exhausted, that my summer sucked to be honest, and that I'm not very fond of school. Yet I encourage you to not read simplistic thinking into this. I seriously doubt the depression and school are in a cause and effect relationship; they are intertwined with each other in a more complicated way. I subtely reached out to my friends because I wanted to talk, to see if these curious feelings were normal. I would suggest drinks after class or having lunch. At best, no one truly heard what I was saying; at worst I tapped into a well of fear creating an explosion still reverberating to this day (but I'll get to that later). I saw so many things that were wrong, yet I couldn't see myself as one of them. Not until the Halloween party at least.

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It took so much energy to appear normal or something close to it. Once I had an idea of what was wrong it took even more energy to wear the false face these past weeks. I'm out of that energy. What little I have left I'm going to need for myself, instead of shielding you from me.

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Part III of IV: Wells of Fear and Sorrow

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You were not the same Brian that I have always known. There was definately something wrong when I saw you. That I could tell at first glance.
Darker?
Yes.

-Observation From A Friend

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If the rest of you want to just move along to Part IV go right ahead. Only one person needs to read this. I've been looking back at things and suddenly events take on a different light or more accurately a different shadow. I wonder now if I tapped into my personal well of depressive darkness? I wonder if that affected me and my actions towards you? My personality tapping into the storm of darkness, that would be something to fear. Perhaps now I understand why you tapped into your well of fear and reacted the way you did. I don't use this as an excuse; I told you before I accept responsibilities for my mistakes. Maybe that wasn't the real me though. At least I hope it wasn't the real me.

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After break you said things were "okay" between us before I managed to fall into the trash can (great way to make a point by looking like one of the Three Stooges, eh?). But things aren't okay with us are they? We've said maybe five words to each other these past few weeks, you're in a stealth mode when online, you notice me in a hall, frown, then make an immediate turn towards another exit. It looks like we're wearing the false faces around each other and saying the socially acceptable lies to each other, the rare times we actually do talk.

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Yet you come here to Confessions every day. One optimistic friend suggests that you do that because you still want to be friends (whatever that definition is), but like me you're confused as to how to do that. My pessimistic counter was that you're gathering intelligence to better lay down your vengeful wrath (I wouldn't blame you on that one). The truth is likely between the two points I bet. Or maybe this doesn't affect you at all anymore, yet another point to ponder I guess.
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I don't care about the damage I cause to myself, but when I damage others as a roving agent of chaos that I do care about. Can we talk sometime? We're both adults and these wells of fear and sorrow should be capped. The maybe I can listen to the CD you returned.

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Part IV ov IV: All The Empty Places

The purpose of Confessions was to ultimately take you on the ride with me and see life through my eyes. It was a way to share with you my myrid interests and thoughts about life. I truly hope you enjoyed it. Turn left into the unknown and let's explore. You see that storm out there? Let's ride full throttle into it and have fun. But I made a wrong turn somewhere and now I'm lost. The storms out there I enjoy and anticipate the coming sound and fury; the storms within my mind, soul, and heart I can't stand.

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For now I need to give up a few things I love and Confessions is one of them. I can't take you on the journey I'm going on now. I don't think you should go on it with me anyway. In the chiaroscuro that is my life I don't want you to see more of this dark side. In this respect I lack the strength Deb had. I don't want to share this right now. I suspect if you reread some of the posts you will find a different meaning within them. I think I knew all along that I was lost, but couldn't admit it to myself. I may post something from time to time, but I can't come up with two to three observations a day anymore. It isn't due to a lack of inspiration; I'm not suffering the blogging doldrums that so many of my companions have noted recently. In fact these past few months I've never felt more inspired to write about so many things! That may be part of the problem. I suspect I've been using Confessions as a shield from other aspects of my life; a way to not focus on other things. I know I've been using it as a sounding board. The price for this deeper well of inspiration is the fact it connects to the darkness. I can't always shield you from that and I want a well of inspiration to be filled with a brighter source than what I have now.

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I have to find myself now. Does anyone have a compass and map? I hope I can come back soon. Right now I find an ancient Egyptian blessing to be very appropriate to this moment of transition and revelation.

May god stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.

I'll see you when I see you.