What Would Make This Last Semester Better?

*WARNING: Extreme use of sarcasm in this post. Do not take literally in any way. The purpose of this post is to provide humor and nothing more. It is not a personal or professional commentary on any events, real or imagined. Some events have a grain of reality to them, some are quite real, some events are purely made up.*

In my RequestLine (In which only 2 people even bothered to put comments in! I am SO disappointed in my readership) Baddox requested my thoughts on how this last semester of hell...err...law school would be better. Oh I have plenty of ideas on that issue.

In no particular order I think these would make my life so much happier.

1. Bring in the senior senator of the state, as a guest speaker. No one hates him as he has statesman qualities. Even Democrats like him because they respect him. A nice reminder of when politics still had some gentlemanly qualities.

2. I can think of one job around school that I would love to do: Office Linebacker. When a gunner just won't shut up I should tackle him. When the professor has no clue how to teach the material I should tackle him. When a student throws away a candy wrapper into the metal recycling bin I should tackle him. When some students are simply an arrogant ass I should tackle him/her/all of them. Pain and fear are such good motivators.

3. Classes. I wonder if I should have taken Sexual Harassment with a friend. She said she would let me practice on her. Stupid me for trying to be practical with my schedule.

4. Sex. Six months ago I would have said 'relationship,' but I've come to a very different conclusion now. A relationship implies two people that care about each other, are willing to assist each other, and want to spend time with each other. You sure as hell aren't going to find THAT in a law school! Why? It assumes that compassionate people are in the student body. No such thing exists! I don't know if school creates the people we become or if certain traits are attracted to school, but this place is full of uptight, anal, frustrated, obsessive compulsive, dour human beings. This does apply to both men and women around here just so you know. For my purposes (because if you're a guy I just not that into you) though if you even find a single woman here, she'll be so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up her ass, you'd have a diamond in two weeks. And then she would worry she'd owe taxes on it. I had an epiphany a few weeks ago that most people around here don't need alcohol or drugs to relax them, they just need a good lay. After hearing a major mack down session in the locker room (trying to time the opening of my locker to such noises was the fun part for me) I noticed the people involved were so much calmer the next day. Instead of worrying about grades a good groin buddy solved the problem. I would just recommend a more private place, perhaps in a study room with newspaper over the windows or your kitchen table. I know I would be for more relaxed and less dour after a good session.

5. Oh, here's another job I would love to have: Official Temptation. Many students need to be weeded out of the program. By distracting those who can't cut it I'm providing a valuable service. Our society should demand the best lawyers possible from our schools. The nice thing is that this job should occur at any school. Those uppitdy Ivy Leaguers NEED to hire me to thin out the ranks. "Hello, my name is Mr. Temptation. Would you like a beer?"

Yeah any of those would make this semester so much better.