3rd Annual SOTU Translation

I have some soiree I'm attending after class, but I will be home before 9pm. Why is that important? I'm watching the State Of The Union so I can provide you with the 3rd Annual SOTU Translation! This is merely a placeholder for that post. The purpose of the translation is to allow people not familiar with political speech and all those goofy nuances to read the SOTU in plain easy to understand English. Should be fun!

EDIT: Gag the soiree was killing me. Watching the SOTU was far more fun than that gig. I've filtered out the Politicalese so this is a proper translations of President Bush's State Of The Union.

My fellow Americans. You all remember you got your jobs a few months ago with the folks voted for ya. Now them Afghanis and Iraqis voted folks in to have jobs like yours. Give me a hell yeah! I had a big party two weeks ago on the Capitol steps. You remember that? W. is for Winner!

The state of our union is confident and strong. Damn I’m getting old in this job. Hey what are we doing for the children? We gotta do better for them young’ens. We need to revive the economy and make jobs, jobs, jobs. *pan to John McCain sleeping* We’ve added 2.3 million jobs. Some of them better than working at Taco Bell. The federal government spends too much. I’ll submit a budget that is still more expensive than ever, but the stuff we don’t have to pay for will be under inflation. I’m getting rid of programs that don’t do jack. Taxpayer dollars must be spent wisely or not at all. No I’m serious on this. *pan to John Kerry clapping*

We need smarter kids. Oh hell how are we going to do that? Where’s a good teacher and active parents when you need them? We must reward small businesses who think up a better light bulb. Let’s protect them from those scumbag lawyers and frivolous lawsuits. We gotta have legal reforms to protect ourselves from greedy lawyers out to line their own pockets. About health care, can we make it cheaper somehow? How about give sick people some choices? Someone oughta write up some statutory code to make life beautiful for sick and healthy folks. This is Washington, code writing fixes all problems. I want patients to choose their own doctors and ban those lawyers.

We need cheap go-go juice for our economy. Four years ago I asked for conservation, exploration, nukes, and some other stuff, oh yeah alternative energy sources. You all been debating this for four years. Let’s get it on you legislators!

We need to update the old system. Look at that tax code. I’ve made a panel to analyze what them other panels said. We’ll make taxes fair to all or at least recommend it. About all those immigrants that keep jumping the borders, we gotta work on this. We need a border that lets in cheap labor that American teenagers don’t want to perform, but keeps out terrorists.

That FICA dude who steals so much of our paychecks. We need to work on that too. The system don’t work because it’ll run out of money in a few years. We gotta fix that. 45 millions gray hairs get money from Social Security. Millions more will get it soon. All you old folks that get scared easily, we ain’t changing the system for you so please be quiet. We’re changing it for the young folks because they won’t get any cash by the time they retire. It’s a great big ponzi scheme to be honest. We, the Feds, just keep adding benefits and costs to the system. That’ll screw ya. In 2018, Social Security will pay out more than it takes in. Deficit spending galore. Can’t have that for Social Security. We only do that with the regular budget. In 2042 the system is bankrupt. *groans as everyone else wants to avoid the buck* I’m asking Congress to get off their duff and get the job done you weenies. You and I gotta pass reforms that’ll make Social Security fixed permanently. We gotta look at it all. I’m even invoking Slick Willy and his suggestions. All ideas are on the table because the children are more important than politics. Teddy you paying attention over there?

I’ll listen to every good or lame-brained idea you got. We gotta work on this, but we can’t screw it up and tick off those on the system now. AARP hates everyone else on this. I recommend Personal Retirement Savings Accounts for the young ones *pan to Senator Obama who has done jack, but is still a darling of the media* Okay you pay into the system, but you put a little bit in your own savings account. It’s your money. The government can’t take it away. Well that’s what we’ll tell you. We got lawyers working on this problem to grab any money we can. The stock market is going to love this. Go Dow Jones go! Look we’re already doing this for federal employees. We’re just letting everyone else in on the game.

We need to bring up moral children. Government ain’t moral so we shouldn’t do this. About those activist judges who write annoying opinions all the time let’s get a marriage amendment.

We need to work on diseases and illness. Let’s not have embryos being exploited, nor the human body be on the futures market. Judges have a duty to faithfully interpret the law, not legislate from the bench. As Pres I get to appoint judges. Cool function eh? The Senate has a part in this: every nominee deserves an up or down vote. Just do it!

Gangs and jails don’t work for young inner city boys. Being in jail or dead is just plain bad. We got to get the thug out of the man. We’ll support groups that will teach respect for woman and disrespect to the gangs. I’m appointing my wife to work on this. Thanks honey, luv ya!

Please reenact the Ryan White Act. AIDS is bad and that will help. Let’s focus on African Americans and their problems with AIDS cause they’re getting most of the new cases. YIKES!

We need and honorable and accurate justice system. We’re funding more money to get DNA training to go. We need competent lawyers for capital cases. Due process is important before we can fry them. The criminals, not the lawyers.

Now it’s time to talk about terrorism. We’ve been working on this for three and a half years now to make the homeland safer. Let’s thank all them policie officers, firefighters, doctors, nurses and a whole lot of other folks and give them a hell yeah! Our nation, working with allies, friends, and less than friends, have nabbed lots of bad guys these past few years. We’ve invaded two countries to get at them. The best defense against terrorists is a good offense, and we’re just going to matriculate down the field. I thank the Congress for giving the military money. They can blow up lots of good stuff with enough money.

We have 28 countries on the ground in Iraq and even the U.N. and E.U. got off their duffs and helped with this weekend’s election. In the next four years I’m building more coalitions to go after terrorists, and going after them we are. Let freedom ring! Let the light blow out the hatred of those crazy terrorists. Our goal is simple. Get rid of tyranny in the world, by finding all the bad guys on the planet.

Our difference is that we’re not going to impose our ideas on others. Our goal is to have communities of nations that are free and answer to their citizens, even if they hate us like the French. Afghanistan, Iraq, the Ukraine, we got elections all over the place. Ain’t it cool?

Secretary of State Rice is working on the Palestinian problem and their terrorists. She’ll work on seeing if the Palestinians can get their own land without pushing the Jews into the sea. That might cost around $350 million or so. Just lettin’ ya know.

I’m reminding the Saudis can lead the way by allowing their own citizens a voice. Egypt has to do something to. We can’t have weapons of mass murder because weapons of mass destruction is passé now. We even got a law scolding Syria to stop being bad. Let’s see how well that works.

Iran is still evil. We’re working with the Europeans to prevent nuclear proliferation and I have a personal message to the Iranian people trying to revolt right now, America stands with you. We’ll talk about sending you all guns later.

All the Middle Eastern terrorists have come to Iraq to play with us. That’s good because we don’t want to play them at home. Our military will play a mean game against the traveling terrorist. I love the Iraqi people; they voted this weekend to spite the evil forces of terrorism.

The insurgents are weak and afraid of democracy and the Iraqis voted in a great act of personal courage while avoiding mortar fire. You showed up our lazy citizens who won’t even vote in the rain.

Thanks to that Iraqi election the whole world knows now that some nutjobs are determined to thwart the will of the Iraqi people. *pan to Dick Lugar* The Iraqis say they want to handle all the security. We’ll gladly train you as fast as we can and our G.I.s can take a more supporting role. We’ll loan you plenty of flak jackets. Don’t worry we will stand by you.

Ain’t gonna to be some artificial time table to get our men and women off the firing line. Scumbags will just try to wait us out if we’re that stupid. We’ll leave when the job is done with glory and honor. Give me a hell yeah! Thank God for our soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen. They make this country look good.

In these 4 years we’ve seen the agony of defeat and the joy of victory. America’s job is simple: to spread liberty where we can. We dream big, but accomplish big. The road ahead is tough, but we know where the road goes. We’ve seen this map before. It leads to freedom and God bless America.