Quotes From The Weekend

Names withheld to protect the guilty.
 
Wow, I didn't expect you for another hour.  How fast we're you driving?
Don't ask.  Don't tell.
 
Okay, pick any DVD you want to watch.  That way you'll be entertained as I finish up the last boxes.
Oh you can be entertaining to watch at times.
 
You have succeeded in picking a movie that I would have no inclination to see.  Perfect :)
 
[Halfway through the DVD] Wow, Desperado was so good.  I can't understand how Once Upon A Time In Mexico is so bad!  This movie is so bad it's now funny to watch it.
 
Hey look out for that hole.
What ho (thud)?
 
I have no idea how this table got in here in the first place.  I've taken 5 screws out and burned out the tips of two cheap screwdrivers already and it still is in one piece.
Hey, you don't suppose that if we spread the tabletop apart there might be a bolt of something we can reach to take the top off?
[clack, clack, clack, as table leaves spread apart]
SONOFABITCH!
 
I don't think these stair meet code.
You mean 15 degree lists aren't allowed in Chicago?
 
Great, you've just wedged me against this wall with the cabinet.
Sorry man.  Are you feeling okay?
No, the door handle is in my crotch right now.
 
Wow, this U-Haul has a Triton V-10 engine in it.  I wonder what the gas mileage on this thing is?
About the same as a navy cruiser.
 
Yeah my new apartment is on the third floor.
The third floor?  Oh this just keeps getting better and better.
 
[upon learning that I would be driving the U-Haul]
Okay, I'll follow you, but don't accelerate or break quickly on the interstate.  Boat this big don't stop on a dime.
 
You give a 15 year old Mountain Dew and he keeps going and going just like the Energizer Bunny.
Oh to be young and invulnerable again.  Hey if he wants to carry that big box by himself I'll watch here from the shade.
 
Once we shower we can go to dinner.
True, but that would involve us getting off the floor wouldn't it?
 
[Upon peeling my shirt past my nose]
WHOA!!  OMG!  I have found weapons of mass destruction!
 
Well, the good news is that I've found the flaws in your new shower.  The bad news is that they are the following: . . .
 
I love this window.  It is such an odd architectural feature.
Yeah it is.  A shame it looks upon a Chrysler dealership.
 
Let's not mess with the small stuff.  Just go directly to the pitcher of marguritas.