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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Trial Of Ron Artest

After months of negotiations the Indiana Pacers are finally rid of the traitorous bastard Ron Artest. Sacramento he is your problem now! However I don't believe he should have been traded. I'm tired of cry-baby, it's all about me, overpaid athletes. They need to remember they're just playing a game. I think we should have put Ron Artest on trial!

*cue harp music and flashback clouds*

Pacers President and CEO Donnie Walsh in an afro and dark suit: "Larry, how was your trip to Europe?"
Larry Bird, President of Basketball Operations also in a dark suit: "Oh man it was so wild! You know they got the same things there we got here, but it's the little things that are different."
Donnie Walsh: "Oh like what?"
Larry Bird: "You know what they call a... a... a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
Donnie Walsh: "They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?"
Larry Bird: "No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is."
Donnie Walsh: "Then what do they call it?"
Larry Bird: "They call it a Royale with cheese."
Donnie Walsh: "A Royale with cheese."

Halftime Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! For your entertainment we will settle a longtime Pacer problem. We have with us tonight the Tribunal Of Sports Justice! Tonight, the Tribunal will finally conduct THE TRIAL OF RON ARTEST!!!

*crowd wildly cheers* Larry Bird and Donnie Walsh walk with a shackled Ron Artest. They stand before wooden platform. A robbed figure stands up to address the crowd.

"Good evening. I'm NBA Commissioner David Stern, to my left is NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, and to my right is MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. Tonight we are convened as the Tribunal Of Sports Justice. This Tribunal will decide the matter of Ron Artest."

Ron Artest: "I want to speak to my agent!"
David Stern: "Mr. Artest, this tribunal has rules and ways of operating. You will not speak unless spoken too. The charges against you are the following. Count One: Believing there is an I in Team. Count Two: Destroying the season of your teammates for 2 years with your reckless thoughts and actions. Count Three: Denying Reggie Miller as shot at the NBA Championship. Count Four: Being distracted by your hobbies to the point it degraded your ability to play. For example, being a rap singer, being a music producer, etc. Count Five: being a traitorous bastard to your team by demanding a trade in public before you even spoke to management. Count Six: for being completely wacko. How does the defendant plead?"

Ron Artest: "I'm not guilty. Do I get a lawyer?"
David Stern: "Yes, this Tribunal has found the best lawyer available who was willing to take your case." *cue transporter hum as William Shatner appears out of the sparkling lights*
"Denny Crane here your honors."

Ron Artest in disbelief: "Dude you're some over the hill actor on his third comeback. You ain't a lawyer!"
"Shut up I'm Denny Crane. I may have mad cow disease, but I'm still the best lawyer in Boston. At least this costume is better than some old spandex outfit I remember wearing. If you wanted someone younger like Alan Shore he's busy prosecuting Ra."
Ron Artest mumbles how he got himself into something like this. It wasn't his fault.

David Stern: "The first witness shall be Reggie Miller." Crowd erupts in applause.
Reggie Miller: "When Ron went into the stands at Detroit, it ruined my last chance to get a championship ring. The Pacers were a contender that year until he lost his temper."
David Stern: "Thank you Reggie. Mr. Shatner what defense do you plea?"
William Shatner stands up, tugging his suit jacket: "Denny Crane! I think my client has mad cow disease like I do. Nothing more needs to be said." He quickly sits back down.

David Stern: "This tribunal has heard enough. We're ready to reach a verdict. What is your judgment Justice Selig and Justice Tagliabue?"
Bud Selig: "GUILTY!"
Paul Tagliabue: "GUILTY!"
David Stern: "I find the defendant, Ron Artest, GUILTY! The penalty shall be carried out immediately. For the crime of believing there is an I in TEAM, the penalty is execution."

Donnie Walsh and Larry Bird unholster their 9 mm handguns and immediately empty their clips into the condemned.

David Stern: "This tribunal is finished with this matter. We shall adjourn until next week in Philadelphia to adjudicate the matter of Terrell Owens. This body is adjourned."

Donnie and Larry start dragging the body off the half court.
Donnie Walsh: "What do they call a Big Mac?"
Larry Bird: "Well, a Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it le Big-Mac."
Donnie Walsh: "Le Big-Mac. Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a Whopper?"
Larry Bird: "I dunno, I didn't go into Burger King."

*cue harp music*

Please note that as an attorney I'm all for due process. Any matters concerning professional athletes should go before the proper authorities, not crazed fans. If you're reading this blog the odds are you're not a proper authority. Please note Ron Artest was not harmed in the posting of this blog. I wish him all the best luck in Sacramento as he'll likely screw up within a year. Remember I AM NOT advocating any harm against any professional athletes. Thank you.

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