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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

A Primative Screwhead Meets Bruce Campbell

You've seen him everywhere, but you might not know his name. Some actors are on the A-List, some never get anywhere, others work a lot but never star in big-budget critically acclaimed materials. The latter is Bruce Campbell, the self-proclaimed King of The B-Movies.

Dude is just as funny in person as he is on the screen. I couldn't find any of his books at various bookstores, because everyone already bought them out, so I had to buy them on-site. A good thing I hit the ATM before driving to the south side. If you've never been to Key Cinemas I'll describe it for you. Think of a typical small 60's or 70's strip mall. It is a typical for the era two screen theater. No fancy sound system, no stadium seating. In fact the place may not have been renovated since it was built. Yes the place is a bit of a dive. Yet when you're dealing with little, inexpensive indie flicks this is the type of place they get shown.

Anyway he was seated at the front of the theater. He's at a table with some job-site work lamps providing illumination. I just sat in a seat and started to read his autobiography "If Chins Could Kill" and waited for my number to be called. Some lady would call out, "Numbers 30 through 60 please" to line us up. Bruce Campbell had a bullhorn next to him so he would repeat the instructions to the effect of, "Numbers 30 through 60 please line up. If you're not numbers 30 through 60 please go away or ask your mother why you can't count."

My number range was called up so 30 of us got in line. We heard a screaming baby and a guy walks by us and asks if he can cut ahead since the child is cranky. What a genius! Next time I'm in a long line I'm borrowing a child! I get up front, shake the man's hand, have a handler take a picture as I'm there and he signs his name to both books. "Hey Brian" and then a long curvy line that might resemble a 'B' and an 'S' merged together. If I had to sign stuff for 500 people in a day I guess my signature would become shorthand as well. He asked what I did and what type of law I wanted to get into. I told him the paying kind.

I went back to a seat to keep reading If Chins Could Kill (friggin' hilarious so far) and then we had a Q & A session before his latest movie: The Man With The Screaming Brain (doesn't that title exude quality?). The Q&A session is where Bruce Campbell's sense of humor shines. Dude ripped on Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck big time. He noted he's the only guy to stop Spiderman: "Did Spiderman get inside to see that play? Nope he didn't. Doc Ock couldn't do that!" If we want to see Evil Dead 4 we need to call Sam Raimi and ask him to not make Spiderman 3. BC's explanation for Congo was "Sometimes things look better on paper than they actually turn out." He called the guy next to me a dumbass for wanting to be Brad Pitt and subject to that much media attention and paperazzi. BC explained that Ozzie Davis made Bubba Ho-Tep a far more classy movie: "Sure you have me fighting mummies, but then you add someone good like Ozzie Davis to the movie and people start wondering how he got in there. It made the movie more classy automatically." He encouraged us to NOT try to find the cabin from Evil Dead: "That is PRIVATE property. It's in rural Tennessee and they don't mess around out there. You'll end up full of buckshot."

BC left us then we saw 88 minutes of crappy Sci-Fi channel produced in Bulgaria where it is cheap chessiness: The Man With The Screaming Brain. Where else are you going to see brain transplants, psycho killer gypsy brides, Stacy Keach (oh how the mighty have fallen), horrible Eastern European accents, and RoboBlonde with a new brain?

Hail to the king baby!

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