Shattered Worlds

Warning: serious post ahead. Very long as I've had a few days to work on it. I hope it will make you reflect. I hope it will make you remember. If you don't want to ponder on this fine beautiful day I understand. Come back here when you're ready. You've been warned.

The alarm went off. I didn't want to get out of bed. Being laid off is always depressing. You would have thought that because I had a job interview later that morning that I would have been looking forward to it. I wasn't. It made my depression even worse. I already knew this would be the worst day of my life. The interview was with a different contracting firm than the one that laid me off, yet the placement was the same job at the same place, with worse hours and worse pay. That was simply insult to injury. The worst part was that I had grown out of my helpdesk job. I had evolved into a computer reboot and password reset monkey. I had rarely needed to think anymore. I had rarely been challenged anymore. The only pressure was simply keeping up with all the incoming calls. The constant ringing of the work phone that made me despise my own home phone.

I was supposed to be taking night classes at law school now. Work the day to pay the bills, figure out legal theories at night. An exhausting life to be sure, yet it was the only to grow and move on from computers and my unrewarding life. I couldn't even get that part right. The law school was a good school, but not that good. If I couldn't get in there, what was there left for me to do? I wasn't even 30 years old, yet the high watermark of my life seemed to be years earlier. All my dreams were torn asunder with that rejection letter. I couldn't believe that with all my intelligence, all my wisdom, all my effort, and all my strength was boiled down to being a password reset monkey instead of a potential lawyer. Now I had to admit defeat by passing a job interview for such a loathful position and accepting whatever offer they would give me. Was there nothing more to my life? Was this all I was meant to be? It would be nice to see friends again, I just wish it wasn't at that job. What a shattered world my life had become.

The morning cereal was bland as I watched the local morning news. The reporter noted a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. I couldn't believe such a horrible accident could occur, then thought better. A B-25 bomber crashed into the Empire State Building in the 1940's. With all the flight paths near Manhattan I supposed a plane with a problem could easily strike a building if a engine exploded shattering the control surfaces. Amazing how after the initial shock I didn't even give a thought about the people in the plane or those who might have been in the building. I had already abstracted it to an engineering problem for the FAA to figure out.

I decided to switch channels to the Today Show. I figured they would be covering the accident better than the local Fox morning show. I could see the smoke bellowing out of one tower. The fire inside had to be intense. The news helicopter had an excellent shot of the entire scene. I saw a plane enter the right side of the picture. What large jet would be that low? A firefighting plane perhaps? That would be stupid as a plane couldn't delivery water onto the side of a building without crashing into it. Dropping water on a forest fire was what a plane could do. I saw the plane continue on it's path expecting it to appear on the left side of the TV screen as it passed behind the Twin Towers. I saw a fireball erupting into the picture frame instead. The air around me suddenly chilled, my spoon falling into the bowl.
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My mind instantly knew that what was at first an accident, was now something deliberate. Someone had attacked us. My mind threw out so many possibilities. The Chinese as revenge for our spy plane destroying their marauding fighter jet? Some religious cult that wanted to be closer to god like in Waco, Texas? A disgruntled Japan Airlines pilot who was inspired by the Tom Clancey novel? Some wacko superindustrialist bent on world domination? My friend Ernie called to let me know what was happening. I replied that I had seen it. I could only repeat my reply that I had seen it. I jacked up the volume on my TV so I could hear it as I showered.

Chaos reigned as I dried off, some huge explosion at the Pentagon and a plane crashing in a field. I put my glasses back on, tossed the wet towel aside, and ran into the hallway to see the first tower fall. The TV showed people on the upper floors of the other tower. Water dripped off of my body to the carpet as people jumped to escape the flames.

I put on my best pants and sports jacket. The tie was always uncomfortable, more so today. I had a small satchel with my resume, notebook, pens & pencils. I opened up a box to see the World War II era Garand. I loaded the ammunition clip into it, the receiver bolt gave a satisfying sharp clang. I wanted to take it with me in case I saw something strange. I had no idea what could happen in Indy. Were we a target? As I switched channels a hurried Peter Jennings was reporting an explosion might have occurred in Los Angeles. New York, Washington D.C., the plane crash in Pennsylvania, now Los Angeles? Who would have thought Oklahoma City would have been a target in 1995? I immediately realized there was no way I was getting a 44 inch long, 10lb battle rifle into my truck. It wouldn't fit behind my seat and I couldn't leave it in the open without freaking people out. As I put my work satchel, sports jacket, and a revolver into the truck, it was the first time I ever felt insufficiently armed for a potentially bad situation.

The radio explained the air traffic was being shut down. Few cars were on the interstate as I drove downtown. My eyes continually glanced at the clear blue sky above and noticed the absence of contrails. Everything seemed so quiet on the beautiful clear day. On my way downtown I suddenly realized I had a my friend Katie was in New York. Luckily she was no where near the World Trade Center. She had left our Computer Support Center family to live in the Big Apple just a few weeks before I was laid off. Her world had come together to allow the chance to follow her dream. She had packed up her cherry red Mustang GT convertible to go live in the big city. At least one of us was living their dream. Katie was one of the few people I told that I was trying to get into law school. Perhaps I could get her new email from a friend and get her reaction to the day? The radio station had long switched to a live feed of Peter Jennings from ABC. As the second tower fell I couldn't keep the tear falling either.

The interview was subdued. I quieted my qualms about the job because I needed the money. I had never lied so much in my life about my desire for anything. I definitely didn't want the job, yet my problems seemed so small now. The world we knew changed before our eyes. The televisions were showing CNN instead of the usual internal business related news. I would get the job based on the fact I had been there for nearly two years previously, not because of anything said at the interview.

I walked the few blocks across the campus to see my old coworkers and friends. Normally I could just nod at the security guard and go in. This time I was stopped. Two ex-coworkers vouched for me and escorted me back to the CSC. Everyone seemed oddly worried. Even more so than the events of the day had warranted. I learned that our former Lotus Notes diva Katie had recently gotten a job at the World Trade Center doing tech support. No one had gotten any word from her. She worked in the first tower to be hit. She worked on the 97th floor that had been hit. The abstract became personal. The incessant phones of the Computer Support Center barely rang at all.

I eventually went home in shock and disbelief. I wanted Katie to be okay. I wanted to see her smile and hear her laugh. I wanted to see how to set up Lotus Notes for a user and to have a beer afterwards. I couldn't understand why everyone wanted gasoline and why the stations suddenly doubled the price. Didn't those morons know there were bigger issues now?

A week or so later her family decided to hold a memorial service in South Bend. They went to New York in the hopes of finding a battered and bruised 25 year old daughter with a big smile in some unknown hospital bed. Instead they found nothing. My colleagues quietly murmured amongst ourselves that hopefully Katie was at her desk and knew nothing had happened. Hopefully she wasn't aware of anything that occurred, and that it was over in an instant. That seemed a far better alternative than the ones who choose to leap out a window in the hopes that maybe humans could suddenly fly. The ash in my mouth tasted so bitter then.

It is three years later. What have we learned? We've learned the who, the why, and the how. We've awakened to a new world, a world where our distance doesn't make us safe. We've learned that cunning enemies can use our own technology against us. We've learned that some people hate us enough that they're willing to die as long as we die with them. We learned there is pure evil in the world. Actually we knew all that before, but many of us chose to ignore such dire knowledge. We also learned that our society has great strength, great compassion. We've learned that we have power fueled by vengeance, yet tempered with justice. Much as the World War II generation banded together so did ours, at least for a little while.

We've also learned that we are a short sighted people. We have forgotten the lessons of that day. We've forgotten that freedom isn't free and has a high cost. Many seem to mock the concept of eternal vigilance. We have forgotten that Americans have more that unites us than divides us, yet so many I feel see only what is important for them, not what is important for us all. We've forgotten that evil can be patient, especially when good is impatient.

The line between champion and terrorist is thin and razor sharp. A difference in perspective is often all that is needed. Passion for the what is considered just is what fuels both. Because of that thin line it is important to continue fighting, for you can never quench the passionate heart that is fueled by hate. Until we create better souls for human beings we're going to always see evil from others and within ourselves. Evil can never be totally defeated, but evil is there to be continually fought. It is why human beings continue to evolve, to fight our circumstances, to fight for a better world filled with light to banish the darkness of our hearts. Evil reminds us of the goodness in ourselves.

Katie's death marked the creation of a shattered world. Katie's death should remind us of the need to forge a new and better world.
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