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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Free At Last! Free At Last!

The voting results are in. I love being rid of her. I've been completely free of her for a few weeks now. Given today is election day and her birthday I voted her out of my life and off the island. I figure it falls under write-in ballot.

I'm completely amazed at how good I've felt lately. Instead of dealing with two impossible situations now I only have one impossible situation (to find a job). I tried to be nice. I tried to always be there for her and support her. I always accommodated her. It always had to be her way and never an explanation as to why. I'm willing to be flexible, but I like a decent explanation.

Over a third of my life this schziophrenic woman has been screwing with me. If she couldn't trust me by now then what does it take to earn her trust? At what point would she truly open up and decide what she wanted? One hand beaconing; one hand in the halt position. I kept watching the emotional armor get thicker and higher. A wall no one could penetrate. You can't live life and maintain complete control. To be with people you have to give up some control. I can't see her doing that. She lost control once, got burned, and now has retreated to stoic, studied, restrained position. That armor kept getting thicker and higher.

I finally got tired of being there when it was convenient for her. She kept herself so busy that you had to schedule things weeks in advance sometimes. Yet this wasn't new behavior, not really. "I'm in the state for a month, but I can only see you at the airport as I fly out." "I only call you when I have a major problem." "Nice to know you'll be in town Saturday, but I'm busy with family because we're celebrating my cousin's brother's nephew's former roommate's birthday." She said I was important to her, but she didn't act that way.
I'm tired of dealing with the broken women. Women that seem good on the surface, but are fractured underneath. Everyone has baggage, but steamer trunks full are too much. The past few years I've gotten good at finding broken women, much to my detriment. I wouldn't mind so much if only you screwed yourselves over, but you screw me over far worse. For now I'm celebrating her birthday by deleting her phone number from my cell, deleting her from my address book and instant message software.

A shame she doesn't read this blog anymore. Happy birthday and buh-bye! I should have punted your butt years ago.

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