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Sunday, October 09, 2005

The A.O.D.

I don't know what is wrong with this team. The personnel aren't playing to their level. Injuries in key positions are starting to mount. The offensive coordinator has become lost in play calling amid all his Burger King wrappers. The defense couldn't stop a drunken dog while the offense has no idea how to sustain a drive.

We lost to an underperforming Iowa that suddenly looked like a Top 10 team.

Three losses in a row. Two games were the opposition got over 500 yards in offense. Something drastic must be done: I'm thinking human sacrifice.

Until the defense learns to tackle nothing can be done. Players are already cycling into the defense due to injuries. The offense needs to keep the ball, score touchdowns, and pray they have more bullets than the other guys. I have a plan. First Rocket Scientist creates a device that can intercept and broadcast telepathic waves from the key decision makers: offensive coordinator and QB. This device allows the audience to tap into the thoughts of the OC and QB. By 'audience' I mean myself and a few select friends.

EXAMPLE: OC calls an option right. We intercept the bad play and intervene. BUZZ!!! Negative WhopperBoy go five wide!

Of course we need a QB that can throw to someone not named Dorian Bryant. Perhaps if we put #9 jerseys on all the receivers Kirsch would spread the ball around. Kirsch locks onto one receiver or at best locks onto one side of the field. He never goes to his third and fourth receivers.

EXAMPLE: QB looks for the #9 jersey yet again. We intercept the panic and intervene. BUZZ!!! Negative look right and see the stork on the 35.

This device shall be known as the Audience Override Device or A.O.D. because we like T.L.A. (Three Letter Acronyms).

Northwestern, Penn State, and Wisconsin are looking way too tough now and I got a bad feeling about the next 3 games.

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