Great Wedding Roadtrip Quotes

It appears that you have been expecting great quotes from my weekend roadtrip. Since I aim to please I'll let you in on some of the dish from wedding roadtrip. Although I am annoyed that you don't seem to appreciate the profound thoughts posts, the detailed analysis of life posts, the rememberance posts. Sigh, but give you bawdy humor and you seem to go nuts. Oh well. No I did not SAY all of these things. I only said some of them, but I did hear them all. I’m not going to separate the quotes because that would make this post ridiculously long. But if there are multiple people saying something I’ll use different colors to make it easier to follow.
Words of Warning: part of this the Catholics in my audience will love or hate.

Friday Night (it all went downhill from here)
So what we're dealing with here is a very advanced tiger with access to power drills and opposable thumbs?
No, the tiger has the drill on a helmet. Would that be a trill or a driger?
Are we so scared of 80-90 traffic that we're willing to take back roads to nowhere to avoid it? Yes!
Wow, FM isn't picking up anything. It must be all these cornfields.
Hey isn't this where the car breaks down and all the field monsters come for us?
Okay our choices are high school football and the presidential debate. Are we that desperate for entertainment?
Brian, you're the lawyer! Translate what they just said.
Hey, if Bush doesn't answer the question I guess it's okay for Kerry to not answer it as well.
I can't find the hole. Sounds like a personal problem to me.
Wow, we're near where my ex lives. No wonder I felt a dark presence.

Saturday (going up to the wedding in Milwaukee from Chicagoland)
Oh change the channel. Enough of politics. Find something important like college football!
Great we're with the driver that can drop ass in the megatons.
I'm sorry but it had to come out now!

(wedding)
Okay I'm approaching the church, but lightning hasn't struck yet.
Oh wow, the guide has instructions for us non-Catholic folk. Stand, sit, knell, and how to approach the priest but not get communion. It's nice they remembered us heathens.
I don't know what to do (nice Jewish lady). Don't worry we're the hardcore heathens, just follow our lead.
Wow, I'm Catholic and never knew we had all these alternate rules. Yes, the heathens aren't allowed to use your rules.
Did anyone else think the priest was like Peter Sellers?
*not a quote, but the swords and ass-tap was a nice touch*

(peaceful lull in between wedding and reception)
Alright we haven't missed kickoff!
Hey this is a hotel lounge not a sportsbar. The game is on so it's a sportsbar!
You hit the baby with the sword?
Hey cash me out. (hand over $20 bill) What? Cash me out for the second amaretto and sour. What you didn't pay? I paid for the first one, I didn't pay for the second one yet. Thanks for being honest. (hands me the $20 bill back) Wow, can I mention this incident when the bar examiners are wanting to know about my ethics and honesty?
Okay it's halftime so we can go to the reception now.

(the reception)
*cell phone vibrates* Yo, what's the score?
What is this, the table of misfits?
This was supposed to be all the single guys but Mike had to bring a woman! I'm sorry guys I didn't mean to disappoint you.
*tap* HEY! *chug, chug, chug* I thought you liked it when you got head? If you gave me head I would like that. If you gave my beer head that I don't like.
Y. M. C. A!
Hey, if there is any thrusting in my general direction let me know about it ahead of time!
*me doing a spin move that freaks out everyone and one guy is damn near on the floor laughing*
First I limp to the side like my leg was broken. Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'. Crazy wack funky. People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty!
Wait a second, you got these two together! Okay, I’m a third year law student, have no problem with Southern women who say ‘y’all’, can you work that magic for me?
Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Mickey.
Well I was drinking that night and the next thing I know …
I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts.
Did we just do salsa moves to disco? Yes. That was pretty cool!
Okay, put the little woman on our shoulders we’ll carry her home! WHOA, WHAT!!!

Sunday (homeward bound)
Why has my voice dropped two octaves?
*hearing shower running upon getting back into the room* Aha, the Whoompa has arisen!
Excellent I get to drive the Saturn of Doom!
I love construction. We’re heading north to go south!
MARS CHEESE CASTLE!!!!
Hey look, everyone is in the castle!
Hey Scott, can you buy alcohol on a Sunday here. Yes, you can get Point today. God Bless Wisconsin!
String cheese, summer sausage, gouda, provolone, beef sticks! God Bless Wisconsin!
9% of your daily sodium, 27% of your daily cholesterol. Wow, this stuff tastes so good you’ll be dead when you finish it!
Yeah, just turn at left at the breast feeding mom and its right there. You can’t miss it.
Where the hell is 294? It’s got to be around here somewhere.
Illinois Nazis, I hate Illinois Nazis.
Okay we’re back in Indiana, the state that isn’t under construction!