BCS Formula

Posts too numerous to link to have been popping up the past few weeks about dating adventures, both good and horror stories beyond belief bad, or what people look for in a date/spouse/friends with benefits. Being inspired I decided to come up with the Brian Companionship Search formula. Borrowing liberally from that other BCS formula used in college football I've come up with a totally screwed up formula matrix that makes sense to me and no one else on the planet. Maybe I should have used a different template? Perfection can be achieved with only 14 points if they are the right 14 points. How f*&#ed whacked is that? Must be distinction between I-A and I-AA rankings and when losses occur in the season. This matrix works out like an arbitrary bell curve, much like first year grades.

Unless otherwise stated everything is worth one (1) point.

• You are at least 25 years old. That seems to be the mininum age for a minimum amount of maturity. Though if you're over 21 and feel you're a special case feel free to let me know with appropriate photos.
• You are college educated.
• With a degree.
• That isn't from a correspondence school.
• You like having a beer sometimes.
• You like having wine sometimes.
• You drink enough hard liquor to put me under the table.
• You like to dance.
• If you don't like to dance you're willing to learn how to.
• You don't mind me accidently stepping on your feet as we learn.
• Three Points: You give fantastic back massages.
• Five Points: You are NOT Catholic. I am not kidding when I say I have some innate Guilt-dar that has been fine tuned over the past 15 years.
• Ten Points: You are Catholic, but you're a Naughty Catholic who must be punished for your sins. Often.
• You have chin length hair.
• Two Points: You have shoulder length hair.
• Negative Two Points: You've giving Repuntzel a run for her money.
• Seventy-Five Points: You are Gillian Anderson.
• Double Bonus Points: You're not Gillian Anderson, but you are a redhead.
• Five Points: You're a redhead from a bottle.
• Three Points: You have a red wig you like to wear for special occasions.
• Three Points: You're strong willed, but not a stubbron bitch unreasonable.
• Negative Twenty Points: You are a TOTAL BITCH! That's why I'm not that into you! EDIT: If you score this particular item, you are automatically disqualified.
• Five Points: You can debate a person with an opposite opinion without being condescending.
• If you wear glasses you know exactly when to take them off.
• Negative Five Points: You are a scrawny thing that will blow over in a stiff breeze. (Exception: you are Alyson Hannigan plus Twenty-Five points. One willowy frame is okay.) Women should have the plush tush.
• Negative Twenty-Five Points: You are an Olsen Twin.
• Negative Infinite Points: You have starred in a reality TV series.
• Three Points: You know how to drive a stick shift.
• Five Points: You actually drive a stick shift currently. (Not cummulative with the above).
• Five Points: You're willing to negotiate together time. I.E. One night you go to a basketball game with me; one night I help you antique shop. Wait a second, I kinda like antique shopping. You get the picture regardless, if you let me do some things I like I'll gladly help you do some things you like.
• Three Points: you can field strip a weapon.
• You are a musician.
• You are a singer.
• If you do either of the two above you are in tune.
• You are an artist.
• You like football.
• You like basketball.
• You can explain hockey to me because I just don't get it.
• One Point per inch you are below 5'4" in height. Nothing wrong with being taller, but you don't get points for that.
• Negative Fifty Points: you've appeared on COPS, but you weren't a cop.
• Five Points: you hold a silk scarf and can begin a sentence with the phrase, "You know Brian when I was in school I could do this..."